Tina’s DNA Surprise

This transcript was generated automatically. Its accuracy may vary.

Speaker 1

And I think it's because I'm in a different place every time I reacted.

When things happened, I reacted out of my hurt feelings and I'm more secure in myself now, so it doesn't affect me as negatively.

Speaker 2

Welcome to DNA Surprises, a podcast that delves into the world of unexpected DNA discoveries.

I'm your host, Alexis Our Salt.

In July 2021, my life took a surprising turn when I found out that I'm an NPE, a person who has experienced a non paternal event.

In other words, my biological father isn't who I thought he was.

Join me as we explore the stories of NP ES adoptees and donor conceived people and their families.

Get ready to unravel the astonishing journeys that begin with a simple DNA test.

This is DNA surprises.

Tina grew up believing that her biological father didn't want to be part of her life.

Imagine her shock when, after taking Adna Test, she found out that her biological father is someone else altogether.

In this week's episode, Tina shares how she found her biological father and then sadly lost him.

She also reveals her family history of NP ES, including her own son.

Thank you for sharing your story, Tina.

I'm Tina.

I AM 50 years old and I live in Atlanta, GA.

I've always wanted to do my DNA because I was told that my biological father had Indian in him, that my grandmother was half Indian and my grandfather was full blooded Indian.

And there was always a question of paternity for my grandpa on my mom's side.

And several years ago, my aunt and two cousins did the DNA test and found out that the guy that my grandpa was told was his father was indeed not his father, that it was the gentleman that was dating his mom's sister, who is the father.

So that was kind of interesting.

So I really wanted to kind of delve into that.

So three years ago, when I was 47, my daughter got me the DNA test from Ancestry for Mother's Day.

And I took it.

And when I got the DNA test results back, it was in the summer, I think July.

And I, you know, I think the DNA results to my account.

And about an hour later this woman emailed me, She's my fourth cousin and said she manages her parents site and then a couple other people.

And she was trying to figure out how we were related.

And she had it narrowed down to a Kenneth and Ida May and she said to go on to Heritage, MyHeritage and Stink.

My DNA test results there because there was a gentleman in that family there that she thinks is a close relationship.

So I did that.

And then I was also texting my mom and saying, Are you sure that Ron is my violent father?

And she's like, yeah, because my whole life I was told that's the only man she'd ever slept with.

There was no doubt.

And he denied me.

And she kept saying, yes, I'm like, Are you sure?

And she's like, well, I think I am.

And so I asked her, she recognized the last name.

And she was like, no, she said.

But I do remember I dated this guy for a few weeks, you know, the month before your your biological father.

And I'm like, well, he's not my biological father.

There's no Indian in me.

So I was waiting on those results.

And of course I got the notification at like 2:00, no, 4:00 in the morning.

And I'm very close to my stepdad.

He came into my life when I was 5.

And I'm that's like my rock.

And so I had to wait till 7:00 to call him because it turned out that this gentleman that was on MyHeritage was my biological father.

So you matched.

So I called.

Him with that, Yeah.

Directly, yes.

Yeah.

And my mom had told me that the gentleman was an older guy, So I was thinking that this man's father was going to be my biological father.

But no, it was him.

And he was actually three years younger.

So he was 15 and my mom was 18 when they conceived me.

OK and.

So I waited and I called my I called my dad by my stepdad, but he's my dad and was telling him and I I wasn't going to move any further with it if it bothered him in any way.

And he told me no, go ahead, you know, try to find him, reach out, you know, he said if I had a kid out there, I would want to know.

So I did.

I found him on Facebook actually, and I emailed him, told him my mom's name and and everything and and said that, you know, MyHeritage said that we are father, daughter.

So we texted back and forth and then he called me and he told me he said no offense but do you mind taking a second paternity test?

And I said absolutely not because he had raised a daughter until she was 28 and then found out that she was not hit and that really hurt him.

So we took the test, got it back and it showed that we are father daughter, so we meet.

He actually only lived two hours away from me.

So we met in between in the middle and set it apart for about two or three hours and talked.

And he had said before that if all went well, he wanted me to come on a Sunday with with my daughter and granddaughter to meet my sister.

So we did that.

We set up for a few weeks after that.

It was the perfect day, like the absolute perfect day.

I met my sister, she's three years older than my daughter.

They look like twins.

It's insane how much they look alike.

I found out a lot of things where I got my love for dogs, just different little things that I never knew where it come from because I always felt different from my family.

It was just it was the perfect day.

I don't have a great relationship with my with my mom.

My only parent that I ever felt that loved me was my dad, my the one that raised me.

So this was fantastic.

I was like, wow, I actually have a biological person that that likes me.

With the understanding that you had a biological father out there, but was not in your life the only dad you ever knew.

You really knew him to not be biologically related to you.

How did it feel to learn that the person you thought was your biological father and had not been an active participant in your life actually wasn't related to you at all?

Was it upsetting to learn that you'd spent almost 50 years thinking that your biological father didn't want to be in your life, and then learned that your biological father was someone else entirely?

It bothered me a little bit because when I was 16 I went looking and I found my son was a grandmother.

And then when I was 21, I found who I thought was my biological father, my brother and a sister.

The sister didn't want really want to do anything with it.

She just had really negative feelings.

But the supposed brother and I have had a relationship since then.

I was 21 and now I'm 50 and we still have a relationship.

So it bothered me there because I felt like, wow, I intruded on these people's lives and I'm not even related.

But As for my biological father, who I thought was my biological father was kind of a relief.

He has some mental issues.

I think he has kind of a different reality than than most people do.

He hasn't really done much with his life.

And then I find this man who has like two or three degrees, he worked as an engineer and and a big car company.

I can't remember which one.

So it actually built my esteem up a little bit myself esteem because I was like well I came from somebody that that is intelligent.

So you.

Connect with him and it sounds like he welcomed you with open arms.

He did.

He was very upset with my mom that he didn't know anything.

I mean my my daughter was 27 at the time, my son 24, and then I had a three-year old granddaughter that he'd missed out on all of our lives.

He was very upset because my mom wanted to actually meet with him and he said absolutely not.

He said I don't have anything good to say to her because I I should have known.

I should have been told.

Did he remember her?

He said It was a one night stand and he pursued her.

So yeah, she worked at a steak and shake and I guess they all came with their fancy cars and they would go in and he said he he remembers her and he pursued her.

But it was a one night stand, OK.

The only thing she remembered vaguely was that he had a nice car.

OK, so he hasn't does not want to speak to your mom.

No, not at all.

He actually passed away a little over a year ago, so it was shortly after we met that he found out that he had cancer.

My mom was disappointed, but, you know, she's just she was just like, OK.

Can you talk to me about if you feel comfortable, like what that was like, to find him and build a relationship and then for him to pass away so soon after?

It was amazing.

I mean, I just felt so accepted.

I felt like I finally knew where I belonged because I actually used to question my mom.

Was I adopted?

Because.

I'm so different from my family.

Like the way they think everything.

I'm just so different.

I don't have a close relation.

The only people I have a close relationship with is my my dad who passed away a year and a half ago, and my grandma from my mom's side.

Other than that, I'm not very close to anybody in my family.

And my mom and I and my sister from her and I have had a really rough relationship.

I actually don't have a relationship with my sister from my mom, and my relationship with my mom is now getting a little bit better because she finally actually listened to me and that felt really good.

You went back to your mom after you find your biological father and she tells you she remembers he had a nice car, that kind of thing.

Did she share if she had any doubts about who your biological father was?

Or did she really believe that?

She really believed that the other person was my father.

She was 18.

My grandpa was very strict, like they couldn't even move off the porch.

And you know, when she turned 18 and moved out, she went a little wild, which is typical for most 18 year olds.

She said she had looked at it at nine months.

She counted nine months.

And she was with Ron, the one who she thought was my political father, in April.

I was born in January, so she counted back nine months, she said.

Of course, now I know it's 40 weeks, and had I known that, then I would have questioned it.

But I, you know, she didn't.

And my mom is one that she tends to forget things that that she doesn't want to remember.

What has your journey been like with her?

Were you angry when you found out?

I was too shocked to be angry.

If I would have said and thought about it, I would have been angry.

But honestly, my dad was the most amazing dad anybody could have, and I wouldn't trade him in for the world.

So I feel like, you know, everything worked out for the good.

Then I got a fantastic dad.

I mean, do I regret not having Scott?

My mom's the father of my life, you know, growing up?

Absolutely.

But at the same time, I can't really regret it too much because I have a great dad.

I'm interested because if you've heard me talk to a lot of people, I I truly believe everyone's feelings about their experiences are valid and unique, and however anyone feels is OK And for you it it doesn't sound like this was particularly traumatic or uprooting.

Is that fair?

Or would you say you did go through a lot of turmoil in in your DNA surprise?

Not really.

Like I said, I was relieved to find out that I wasn't related to the other one.

Yeah, yeah.

And it was very nice knowing that I came from somebody that is intellectual and that did do something with their life and he was successful.

So it kind of made me feel better about myself.

Yeah, that's wonderful.

I posted a picture of Scott Holding my granddaughter and the look on his face was just pure love and it touched me.

So I had posted it to my Facebook shortly after my visit, you know, as a family.

And I just said, Long story short, after 47 years I found my volatile father.

And I said I just, I love this picture because he missed out on my life, on my kids lives on the first three years of my granddaughter's life.

And this picture just truly touched me.

My sister posted It's not just the mother's responsibility to let somebody know that they're pregnant, that I was making my mom look bad.

And oh, and she also said that I forgot the dad who raised me.

Well, a couple of weeks later, Scott had said he needed to talk to me, but then he blocked me.

He blocked me on Facebook, He blocked me on everything.

And I couldn't understand why, but I wondered if that was why.

And because he saw that because he had told me he didn't like drama and my sister is famous for it.

So I did actually recently find out that that's what it was.

He had just found out he had cancer and had metastasized, so he was dying.

He saw that post and so he chose to not communicate with me anymore because he just couldn't deal with with that along with the diagnosis of cancer and knowing that he was dying.

So I missed out on that.

I would have loved to have been there for his last days and to help him through that, but he did not want to do that.

As much as I don't like that, I I have to kind of understand it.

I mean go I I don't, I don't know how I would react if I was diagnosed with cancer knowing that I was dying and then looking and seeing a post.

So when I heard, when I found that I I called my dad crying because I was like, are you mad?

Or he's like, no, I told you and I kind of wondered if that that pose hanging to do with it and when I spoke to my sister on his side, that is what the reason was.

So it kind of it makes me angry that I feel like my sister screwed my chance of having my my biological father in my life.

Was it really painful that he just kind of cut you off all of a sudden?

It was.

I went through a rough time because I was like, I don't understand why both of my biological parents have no love for me.

Like, what is wrong with me?

So it was really rough for a long time, but my sister told me I spoke her about a month ago and she told me she said he loved you.

She said.

I just think it was too much for him, she said.

And I didn't agree with his decision, but it was his decision.

I'm so.

Sorry that that happened.

That just seems really.

Hard.

I'd like to talk more about this, you telling your story and you living your truth because people have a hard time, right?

Like so to speak coming out with their NPE story and being open and and you shared that you you put a post on Facebook and you explained it and and it sounds like you kept it very positive that that you did lose time which is true.

And then you had a lot of blowback around that.

Why is it important for you to be open about your story and what happened?

I've always been open.

I've always been an open person because you never know if what you're going through can help somebody else.

I mean, you just never know.

I mean, I have depression and anxiety.

I've always been open about that.

You just don't know who you can touch.

Are there any questions that you have for your biological father?

I know he's not here anymore, but was there anything that you really wanted to ask him or know that maybe you didn't get a chance to?

I just wanted to know more about my family on that side.

You know, his mom's family, his father's family.

I don't think there's any living family from his mom's side and his dad's side.

He never knew them.

So I feel like I'm at a dead end.

There's nowhere else to go.

So I'm left with not knowing really anything about his family, how he grew up.

You mentioned that after he passed it, you went through a very rough time after being cut off by him and then he passed.

How did you work through that?

I just do what I always do when I work.

I actually found out that he had passed away.

I had gotten a call the day before that my dad, the one that raised me, was being life flighted to in the hospital an hour away from where he lives.

And he's had a lot of health problems.

And I was terrified.

And I drove all night and prayed, just, God, don't let him go.

I'm not ready.

And so I was actually sitting in the hospital room with my dad when my sister called me to let me know.

And I felt terrible for her.

I told my dad.

I said, is it is it bad of me that I I kind of feel a little bit of relieved that it's not you?

I mean, I I felt like I'd, you know, forever lost that chance.

But at the same time, with with my dad that raised me, I was so relieved that I wasn't having to tell people my dad died.

So it's really hard.

And the way I deal with my emotions is I typically just work.

I just work.

And then I just I just I just work through it.

Yeah, so you lost both of them so close together.

Yeah, he passed away, I believe, in March of 2021, and then my dad passed away in February of 2022.

So right, right, about a year apart.

What did it mean to you for your stepfather, who raised you to be supportive of you pursuing a new relationship with your biological father?

It it meant the world to me because I wanted to pursue it, but I would never do anything to hurt him so.

And I mean he's the one that he was my rock, I called him.

We would speak for hours a day about it because he was just always the one I went to to talk to talk to you about it.

That's so great because I'm sure that freed you in a lot of ways to make.

It did.

Because like I said, if he would, if he would have said no, I don't want you to pursue this, I would not have pursued it.

You mentioned that you're relationship with your mom was not good for many years and then it kind of took a turn because she started listening to you.

What was that turn?

What?

What happened there?

I had to go over to her house.

I have my mail sent over there and I had to go over to her house to pick up my mail.

And I thought and I had been debating on whether or not I was going to tell her that I was doing this podcast.

So when I was there she asked she said do you want to sit and visit?

And I said, well, sure.

And we were talking and finally I just said, I said I'm going to tell you something and I don't want you to take it personally.

It isn't about you, it's about me and my story.

And I told her I was going to do this podcast and then we just started talking.

But it was just nice to to be listened to she because she'd never listened to me.

I was always told that I was crazy, that there was something wrong in my head.

And when actually when I was diagnosed at 30 with depression and anxiety, her response was, see, I told you there was something wrong with your head.

So it was just nice to finally be listened to.

So I feel like it was kind of a turn in the right direction.

Do you forgive your mother for making a mistake?

It sounds like it was an honest mistake.

Have you moved past that?

Yeah, I do.

I do.

I don't understand how you can forget somebody that you sleep with.

But when she explained that when she counted nine months, not realizing it was 40 weeks, I come.

I understood that I do feel like.

And I'm confused about why when I started searching at 16, she didn't mention, you know, hey, there might be another possibility, but she fully believed that there was was no possibility.

You know, I, I I feel like we always have to be careful when we say it was a different time, right?

Because it doesn't always excuse everything, but I think it's.

I do understand my my grandpa would have killed her if she would have went home and said I'm pregnant, but I don't know who the father is, so I I do understand that part.

And I think there was just a a less understanding of biology, you know how how pregnancies were.

And she was young.

She was young.

She was fresh out of the house.

She had been such a strict upbringing she was naive.

Which most 18 year olds are, and, you know, back in the 70s.

Like she said, I had no clue that pregnancy was 40 weeks.

I've always heard it was nine months, so I counted nine months.

So I didn't think that the other guy was even a possibility.

Right, right.

So, and she explained that to me when we talked a few weeks ago and had the the good conversation.

That's good.

I'm glad that it's turning because I Relationships with moms in these situations can be really tough.

It is.

And my daughter, you know, She says.

I don't understand it because I have a great mom, because my my thought process when I had kids was I'm going to do everything I possibly can to make sure that my kids know they're loved.

Because I'm always questioned if my mom loved me or not.

Then I never wanted my kids to question that.

What's next for you in your journey?

What are you looking to do as you move forward?

I'm on Ancestry and MyHeritage, and I keep looking to see if there's any new DNA matches.

And I'd love to have a relationship, but I don't know that that would be possible.

There's a history of NPE in our family.

My grandpa, his mom was 14 years old when she got pregnant with him.

He was raised by his grandparents.

There were two possibilities.

The one guy said he was the father.

They ran him out of town because he was born in the 1920s.

Found out, you know, after my grandpa passed away that the other guy was actually his father, My son, My first husband passed away and I went a little wild and got pregnant with my son.

And so I don't know who his father is.

There are three possibilities.

I have the names I gave him the names and information when he was 16, told him that I would do it for him.

I would do it with him, whatever he wanted to do.

So he has not done anything with that.

But I'm going to try to talk to him about doing his DNA test when he comes in, because I'd love for him to at least find out.

If he doesn't want to pursue it, that's fine, but I feel like he at least needs to know.

So you kind of opened a can of words here.

So far in SO you have, I guess not really an an NPE child because you don't know and you're open about that, right?

I think that's really.

Interesting.

And that's the part I didn't understand with my mom at first.

Yeah, because at first I was like, you know, it was very embarrassing to admit that, very embarrassing to admit that.

But I felt like I needed to because he had a right to know.

And I told each of the three gentlemen, you know, of course, they were all like, he's not mine.

And you know, I said that's why he's, I said I would like adna test to see who his father is, but nobody has to be involved because this is my baby and so but I feel like he should at least know the name.

Your son hasn't expressed a ton of interest there.

Does he want to know?

No.

From what I heard, him and my sister went to the bar that the second guy owns and that's who I guess she thinks is his biological father.

But he didn't really have any interest in it and hasn't pursued it, OK.

Wow.

Yeah, there's a there's a lot of of DNA surprise history in his family.

I hope that you get those answers for him.

I do want to commend you for being open about something that I think can be very painful, shameful and you know, like you said, it was very.

Embarrassing, and I was judged partially for it, but I felt like he had the right to know.

Yeah, exactly.

And you know, I won't get too much on my soapbox here, but you're a human being and these things do happen.

The fact I think that you're honest about it means a lot because as you've heard on the podcast and people that are listening, I'm sure can I identify with.

While it is hard to do the search and to not know and try to put these pieces together, the fact that you've.

I told my mom she was an Angel compared to some of the other my mother's I've heard.

About yeah, but also the fact that that he, your son didn't have to grow up believing one thing.

Well, he actually did.

I met my second husband when he was 2 and it just I don't think it was really in either one of our heads that he would think that he was his father.

But over the years till he was actually, he was pretty shocked when he when he found out.

But it never occurred to my ex-husband or I, either one that he wouldn't know.

But he was just so young that he didn't.

Yeah, he was just so young when when we married that he just grew up with with this man as his dad and that when I told him he was, he was shocked and a little bit mad at first, but then he was just like, I don't care.

How old was he?

He was 16, all right when I gave him the information, not thinking that he didn't.

Know right, Right.

He was like, what do you mean?

Well, this will be interesting then for your, for your perspective, I think probably most people will know what you're going to say based on the fact that you've kind of walked the talk there.

But what advice do you have for a parent who's keeping Adna Surprise from their child?

Be honest and tell them I questioned who I was for so many years.

Never felt normal, I guess.

And once that piece of the puzzle was there, myself esteem grew.

I feel like I know who I am, even if I never have a relationship with any anybody in that family.

I just, I feel like it just everything's connected now and I'm secure in myself because I know who I am, what.

Advice do you have for someone who just uncovered Adna Surprise?

Follow it.

Find it.

You know.

Even if you never have a relationship, you know.

Look for the answers that that you're wanting.

You may never get it, but you have to go through that journey for the closure.

That's great advice.

I like that.

Thank you.

Tina, thank you so much for reaching out and coming on the podcast to Share your story.

It was really interesting to hear a perspective from somebody who really welcomed and embraced that change to what they thought they knew.

And I hope that your relationship with your mom keeps improving, because I know how challenging that can be and I'm happy for you that your relationship is is moving in a good direction.

Thanks again to Tina for sharing her story.

If you have adna Surprise that you'd like to share, submit your story at dnasurprisespodcast.com.

Until next time.

This episode of DNA Surprises was hosted, produced, and edited by me, Alexis Ourselt.

It was mixed and mastered by Josh Ourselt of Siren Recording Studios.