Shannon’s DNA Surprise

This transcript was generated automatically. Its accuracy may vary.

Speaker 1

The TNA surprise Journey can be shocking, upsetting and isolating, but you're not

Speaker 2

alone and there is hope connection

and Community are powerful tools as we process.

And

he'll

DNA surprise Network and DNA surprises podcast are proud to host.

The first ever DNA, surprise Retreat May for through the 7th 2023 and Tucson Arizona.

Join Us for four days of healing, including expert-led sessions delicious meals and fun time together that will help us integrate our DNA surprises and Lead, happier more fulfilling lives.

If you've been looking for space to learn grow and heal, this is your sign.

Registration is open.

Learn more at DNA surprise retreat.com

So I think she just was doing the best she could with what she had.

And I can't say that if I was in the same situation, I wouldn't do the same thing.

I probably would because you're doing what you think is best and you're doing it for your kid.

So I see her much more as a human now than just my mom and I respect what she did.

Imagine spitting into a tube, sending off your DNA.

And unknowingly turning your life upside down for me and thousands of others.

This is our reality, I'm your host Alexis ourselves in July of 2021, I discovered that I am an NP e.

Someone who has experienced a non paternal event.

In other words my biological father isn't who I thought he was.

This podcast shares the journeys of people who were shocked by a DNA Discovery mostly through Modern DNA testing.

We're telling the stories of NP, he's adoptees and donor conceived people and their families.

This is DNA surprises.

How would you feel if you learned that your biological father was a constant presence in your life despite being raised under the belief that another man shared your DNA.

In this week's episode Shannon shares, how she learned that her biological father was a longtime family friend who even taught her, how to tie her shoes.

I spoke with Shannon just four months after her DNA.

Surprise, she offers a fresh perspective on the immediate aftermath of a discovery including what she's doing to process and how she's learning more about her Newfound biological family.

Thank you for sharing your story Shannon.

Okay, so my name is Shannon.

I am 39.

And I live in Tucson, I am originally from Pittsburgh and I lived there for 29 years.

I had a very idyllic childhood there was really nothing I can complain about.

I lived in the suburbs of Pittsburgh in a very small community.

I lived with my mom And my dad, I'm an only child there.

I really couldn't want for anything.

I had a really great childhood.

I went to private school.

I had a small family, but we were close and my dad owned his own business.

My mom was a stay-at-home mom, which was really, really nice.

She was a career woman before.

She had me and a year after she was after I was born, she was Nose with multiple sclerosis.

So she stopped working and not a lot was known about multiple sclerosis in the 80s, and she kind of played almost like the victim mentality.

She just was very well with me about the whole ordeal, but she really worked through her disease.

I went to college to follow in my father's.

Father's Footsteps of working in his company.

I really didn't enjoy that industry.

Very much, it was in the interior design industry.

It wasn't for me.

I worked in that industry for about 10 years and in 2011, my dad died of, we're guessing a heart attack.

He died in his sleep after my dad died.

My mom kind of spiraled into this really deep depression.

And being the only child, a lot of Everything fell on me to take care of her and we had like I said, we had a really small family, so small, it was pretty much my grandparents on my mom's side who lived a little bit down the road and my mom's brother who also lived a little bit down the road, but she had a sister who lived about three hours away and my dad had his parents who live three hours away and a brother that lived in a whole other state.

For some reason, I don't know if it was because of Of my mom's Ms. And just the rewiring of her brain.

She really kept a lot of people away from us.

We would only see her mom and dad my grandma and grandpa.

She didn't like me going to see my dad's parents in Altoona.

They lived about three hours away in Altoona, she would keep my maternal Uncle kind of at an arm's distance from us.

And she had a very small group of friends.

Other than that, people never really came to our house, and there wasn't a lot of socialization on my parents part.

Luckily, I had a lot of friends from school, but like I said after my dad died, she really just are rolled into this depression and he had died a couple of months before I was getting married.

And my mom said that our wedding was like, the most most traumatic day of her life.

Wow.

And I thought, all right, I'll give back to her it.

I can, I can see it from her point of view.

Yes, absolutely.

Hmm.

Two years, after my husband and I got married, we ended up moving to Tucson for his job and that caused her to spiral even more a year.

After we moved here, we had our first son, and it turns out that I actually have cousins from my dad's side of the family that live here in Tucson.

So I became very close with them because I never knew them growing up ever.

And my dad's brother will visit Tucson to see his kids and he has the same mannerisms as my dad.

So it's kind of wild for me to see an older version of my dad because they were 10 years apart, okay?

And they talked the same, they have the same man.

Tourism.

It's really crazy.

So I really enjoy hanging out with that side of the family because I never got to know them growing up.

So my mom died in 2017.

Three weeks.

After I had her daughter, that was an absolute Whirlwind of like selling the house.

Shutting down the estate, I was the executrix because I'm the only child.

So everything fell on me, it was really difficult because She since she had kept everybody at arm's distance, I didn't have much help and it was it all fell on me which was really crazy.

So fast forward, we have now lived in Tucson for about nine years and I'm still very close with my paternal cousins who live?

Here will go.

Get dinner, we hang out, we're all very close.

I invite my cousin's over to our new house.

House and and my aunt and my uncle are with them.

And I'm talking with my cousin about 23andMe, I've always wanted to do a genetic test to just for health to see if I'm a carrier of anything for my kids, especially because my mom and we have a whole slew of autoimmune diseases on my maternal side of the family.

So I was always so worried that I was a carrier for something and I Want to be proactive, hmm, But my husband was always like, no, don't do it.

You know, that's just opening up Pandora's Box.

Like, what if you find something out?

And I'm like, I want to know because I just need to be proactive about it.

I was talking to my cousin.

She's like, I did 23andMe, and so, did my dad.

And I was like, okay, that's awesome.

She was telling me what traits they had and growing up.

I was told I I was like the typical Pittsburgh mutt Irish Italian German and that's what I've always known.

And so the Italian and German came from, my dad's side of the family, Irish Scottish came from my mom's side of the family.

She said, after I do the 23andMe it would link us up genetically.

So we would match up together so I was like this is awesome.

I can't wait, she's like, oh and we have like 32 percent Neanderthal in her.

Emily.

This is so crazy, it's so fun.

And yeah okay I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it.

So I ordered the test sent it in six weeks later, I get the results and I don't even look at who I'm matching up with what my ancestral traits are.

I'm looking at health and it's saying I'm a carrier for hereditary hemochromatosis.

Like I've never heard of that, I don't know what that is next and like rosacea Shh acne PCOS.

And I was like, okay, that makes sense and then I just kind of forget about it.

I'm just like okay I don't see anything that is blaringly alarming, especially when it comes to autoimmune.

So this is great.

Yeah.

But then a couple days later I'm like, oh wait, it didn't link me up with my cousin or my uncle that's really strange.

So I sent her a text and I said, hey, it didn't link us that like I don't Same way they didn't do that.

Well, she's a pharmacist so she understands science and I am also in the field of science.

But for whatever reason, my brain has completely shut down and I'm just trying really hard not to acknowledge what's going on.

So she sends me their DNA results and I look at her ancestry and it says Ian and German and so does my uncle's.

And then I look at mine and I am 99% Irish and as I go something's not matching up here.

That's weird.

And then I look at who I matching up with in terms of family members and we have a very unusual last name.

So I was expecting to see a lot of this unusual last name and there was none of that I was matching up with very Irish last names.

So I was like, oh, I've never heard of any of these names before, then I forget about it.

I push it to the very back of my mind.

I have a lot of things going on in my life, from going back to school.

I'm working full-time at kids to see three weeks later.

I that work.

They'll mock my lunch break, which is not the most ideal time to really delve into something.

That's very Very traumatic like of course, right and I look more closely at the names of who I matching with and I immediately know who my biological father is and it was not the wonderful human who raised me my entire life.

So this is where it gets a little interesting.

Yeah the man who is my biological father and his name is John.

He's In the periphery of my life, my entire life.

I thought he was a family friend, he died in 2016 a year before my mom died.

And when he died, she was very upset and I didn't quite understand why because I thought he's just a family friend.

Like, yeah.

Yeah, it's sad but like she was distraught.

I look up his obituary and listed in the obituary is His mother and her maiden name and those are the people I'm linking up with with that same last name

so the people that you didn't recognize at

first.

Yeah, it's starting to piece together.

Okay.

Yeah, in a really twisted way, I always joked with my husband and some of my friends, what if John was my dad?

What if John was my dad?

Because he's always been around me, my entire life.

In some capacity.

And I'm here to break the generational trauma.

So I'm going to are some dirty laundry because it's not my dirty laundry and kind of normalize it.

So when I was really little, I was probably three or four.

I was supposed to be taking a nap.

I climbed out of my crib and I walked down the hall and to my mom's room and there was John in her room.

I told my dad.

And ever since then, there would be fights about John.

He would say, things like you think John would stick with this?

You know what?

He support you through all this sickness?

Do you think he could do this?

And there would always be little things that I would hear, but I really didn't chuck it up too much.

I thought.

Oh, maybe my mom just cheated on my dad.

Hmm, I didn't realize she had a whole child.

Yeah, or that it had been going on for so long

for so long.

I ended up contacting my biological dad's Widow.

Who is also our financial planner because John was helping my mom, after my dad died with her finances and he said, I can't take care of your finances, but my wife can.

And so In This Very like, weird, Ation.

Hmm, his widow is our financial advisor.

And she's always, she's been taking care of us since 2017, and she's a really wonderful woman, so I sent her an email.

I said, hey, this is personal, can we talk one day?

So we set up a time to talk and I said, hey, I took a test and I'm pretty sure I'm John's biological child.

Do you know, anything about this?

And she kind of paused for a little while and then I said, yes, he knew that you are his child.

She's like, I've, I found something our, I had to confront him about it and he fessed up to me and I didn't ask her what that was.

I didn't want to rock the boat even more.

Yeah, and she said that was the reason he was always in my life because he wanted to To watch me grow up because even though he has two children they are adopted so he never had biological children with his wife so they adopted.

Hmm, back in the 60s.

So my half step sister, I don't even know what I would consider her.

Is that she's adopted and I have an older brother adopted.

They were both adopted in the 60s when they were infants, they're much older than I am by 20 years.

Okay, both of them have gone on their own Journeys, to find their biological parents.

And when I was talking to John's Widow, I said, don't tell his kids because I don't need to have a relationship with them because they're not biological.

I don't really feel the need to connect with them.

He had, he comes from a very large.

Irish family, he has five other siblings that are still living and they're all in Pittsburgh and one of them actually lived up the street from my parents.

So I did know him, but I didn't know ever that he was my uncle which is just really strange.

When I think back about

it, did she say, if your dad knew your raised father.

So about two months after All this started to really sink in.

I'm very woo.

So I went and saw a psychic and because that's what I wanted to know.

Did my dad know?

And unfortunately, since everybody's dead I won't get any real answers.

But we went to this psychic and she said that my dad had an inkling but he just didn't care because I was his whole world and I really was like he did everything for me so that kind of made me feel a little better at the fact that he didn't really know because otherwise, I would have really broken my heart to the the fact that he would have known that I was somebody else's child, but he was still such a wonderful human to raise me and he still is.

Regardless and, you know, Still get this feel because I ended up telling my my mom's brother and sister about this discovery.

Well, your dad, still your dad.

And I know I know

we love it.

When people say that to us,

I get it.

What was your

initial reaction?

What were your feelings?

When you finally put the pieces together since you kind of insight on some level?

It's like you sort of knew New right.

For a while you floated the idea out there but once it was confirmed, what did you feel?

I ran the whole gamut of emotions.

I was upset at my mom for doing this, to my dad, and then upset at her for not telling me after my dad died.

So, I could have a relationship with John because I would have been very open to that.

I was not surprised I but I also think my my brain is really Protecting myself from this trauma.

So it's and it's fresh.

I mean, I only found this out back in March.

So this is all still very, very new for me.

And I still have a lot of processing to do, and I still should probably go talk to a therapist about it because I know that's what a lot of npes suggest doing to work through this.

Trauma.

I joke that I am the queen collector of traumatic events.

Events.

It's what I do.

So my for therapist is always like, oh, you're back.

But I've actually done pretty well considering because I usually have very unhealthy coping habits, and I'm actually just kind of trucking along and doing very well with it.

But, like I said, I who knows what will happen in a month or two, how how something will hit me?

And, you know, I could get angry or very upset and just sad.

But for the most part I think, because I kind of it.

What's the term, the the thought

unknown and that known unthought

known?

That's pretty much me like that.

Just in Kim bodies, this whole situation.

So just very recently, I went back to Pittsburgh to visit and be a tourist.

Because we don't really have much family there anymore.

I met up with John's Widow and she very kindly asked if she could tell his kids and I put some thought into it and I finally agreed.

I said, yeah that's fine.

They're actually having a huge family reunions at the end of this month and I think they wanted to use that opportunity to let everybody know that.

There's another kid in the family, and she did tell his daughter and, like I said, she's not on her own journey to find her biological parents.

So she's very, very graciously empathetic to what I'm going through and she doesn't have to be that way.

She just is such a great person.

And John's wife asked, you know, can do you want to reach out to her?

She's very open to having a relationship.

With you and I said, sure I'm not going to turn that down even though I was somewhat against it at the very beginning.

So I sent her an email.

I said and she's just been a wealth of information about John.

She's sent me pictures, she's told me about his childhood.

My my grandparents that I not known very much about who came straight from Ireland and kind of a little bit.

Out the extended family and she has yet to tell her brother.

She's actually waiting until the family reunions to tell him and then they're gonna tell the rest of the family.

So I'm a little anxious about that but she's been so kind will text for hours back and forth and just getting to know one another and we have so much in common.

So it's kind of, I feel like I'm my own case study of nature versus nurture like, because how I said earlier, I said, I saw that.

I had hereditary hemochromatosis.

Well, that's from him, he had that and it's basically when your blood collects too much iron and you need transfusions, okay to even it out.

I've been a vegetarian since I was 15.

I hate me.

I hate anything that tastes irony and only to find out that basically it's that was my body's way of saying you've got something going on where you don't need iron and we're just To cut out any type of meat as heck about the unthought

known, right?

Yeah, yeah,

yeah.

So it's wild and she said that basically, the whole family that lives in Ireland, still has this condition and I've actually connected with one of my cousin's.

It's a, she's a second cousin who lives in Ireland and she's been so welcoming and just very kind a little confused about the situation.

She doesn't quite understand what's going on, but I don't think many people do this is kind of a new boom of a population of n Pease.

It's just been this wild wild ride and the past four months.

It's just been crazy.

One thing after the other.

It's just unraveling and things are slowly making sense and falling into place, the puzzle.

Pieces are coming together, and I am finally seeing the whole big story.

One thing that I've always felt about myself is, I've always needed a sense of belonging for some reason more.

So as an adult than, as a kid, like, I joined a sorority when I was 32.

Mmm.

Why?

Like, because I wanted, I wanted to feel some sort of, like bigger community, and it's always been in my soul that I needed like this.

Big, big Community, but really I've always had it but I just didn't know I had it in this huge side of the family that I never knew existed as mine biologically.

I knew it existed, but I didn't know it was mine.

Something that a lot of people that I've spoken to talk about is that what if, what would be different if I'd known and knowing that you actually do have a huge biological family?

Have you spent any time given that?

It's only been four months thinking about how different your life might have been, if you'd known that you had that connection.

I

really haven't given it that much.

Thought, I think everything happens for a reason and I was meant to have my small family and I needed that at the time.

Now, having this huge family, I'm hoping I'll get invited to the next big family reunions.

And everybody will be okay with it because that's what I need in my life.

Now what's happened in the past happened in the past and I can't really be angry about it because I didn't know about it.

So I just have to kind of keep moving and going forward from here and hope that they will accept me as a part of their family.

I'm sure they will because they're they've all been so very gracious so far.

And even his daughter is like I am so in awe of the fact that there's a part of him still out there running around and I'm like the like aren't you a little bit mad that, you know, he cheated on your mom with my mom?

Like doesn't that make you feel a little unsettled inside?

And she's like, no, that was their own thing.

It was a different time.

It's like, oh, that's, that's very true.

Has this changed your feelings about your mom.

anyway, it has really made me.

Me, appreciate her, as a human, a lot more.

I know, deep down.

She was doing what she had to do for me, if she had told my dad.

I don't think he would have stuck around.

And and she was very much at his Mercy, because she wasn't working.

She was sick, she couldn't be a single mom, you know?

She she was very dependent on him.

Have you?

Had any discussions with your raised cousins, the people that you believed were your uncle and cousins here in Tucson.

Yeah, they were actually one of the first people.

I told I told my husband, and then I told them because I didn't want them to be blindsided by anything, and they are very much of the, wow, that's crazy.

But you're still family.

Yeah, because our uncle raised.

You and even though you're not biologically related to us, you're still family, you know, you're stuck with us and I am so appreciative of that because I know, but a lot of people don't have that same mentality and are very quick to just wipe their hands with the whole situation and just keep trucking.

So it's very humbling to know how loved I really really am and that's the best thing that's come from this.

Just the whole, my whole Social Circle is growing, my family circle is growing and it's just growing in the best possible way.

Just full of love and understanding and compassion which I couldn't ask for anything more.

Honestly.

Yeah, so you mentioned that, you probably should go to therapy.

But what are you doing to help process this now?

Okay, so I am journaling in, who am I even More that has been very, very

helpful.

Thank you.

Eve Sturgis.

Thank you Sturgis.

That is 10, I just did a quick Google search for npe therapy tools.

Just popped up on Amazon and I was like, I need this in my life so I will journal and that also very vocal about this whole situation because like I said I'm here to break the generational trauma.

I don't I have secrets I and I think a lot of people do disagree with that.

I think they're like, well, that was your mom's like, Oh, that was her thing.

And oh my God, wouldn't she be so embarrassed?

Well yeah, she probably really would be but that's on her.

I'm my own person and I'm a product of this whole situation and it wasn't my fault.

So and I want to normalize it.

There's so many of us and there's going to be more or yes, the more and more people do these tests, the more and more things are going to pop up.

And I just want people to know that they're not alone and it's very normal.

So that's kind of that's been my therapy so far.

Yeah,

That makes sense aside from the medical history, which is so important which is a reason that you took the test.

I know to begin with.

You learned anything else about your bio dad John that's helped things kind of make sense for

you.

So the one thing that's in my favor and my kids favors so far, is his side of the family has lived a really long time they live until they're like in their ladies.

In their 90's, I have asked twice how he died and I haven't gotten an answer yet, I do know that he He was in the hospital with C diff but that and I didn't kill him.

So I'm still kind of waiting for that answer.

His widow has given a pretty good idea of his health history, but she left out how he died.

So I asked her and then I asked his daughter and I still haven't gotten that answer.

So I'm I'm not quite sure why it makes me a little nervous, but there really hasn't been anything.

Earth-shattering in terms of health history which I'm very grateful for because that means that my kids will actually be better off if he was very tall.

And so my husband and I we are very small people and our son is like almost as tall as eyes, so I'm like this is awesome.

There's a chance to be like six foot.

Little Micro Machines like the rest of the family.

But then that, you know, that bags for me like, what how, why am I so small.

A short necks are strange, there's so strange, but yeah, it's been pretty wild so far.

I'm really enjoying the ride but I've been on.

Do you think that your perception of this DNA surprise your npe is different because he was in the periphery of your life so you did know

how?

Yeah, I did know him and he was always really such a great person and like I said, as things will start to make sense of my mind.

You know, I'll tell my husband, oh my God, he taught me how to tie my shoes.

That's that's crazy.

To me that like such an integral thing that Ins in your life came from him, you know, his first wife, taught me different songs.

They had a farm and I would go visit their farm for a couple of days and do sleepovers and so yeah, he was in my life and I'm so so glad that he was because I don't if he wasn't and this journey was so much different and I was trying to put the pieces together of like, okay, Now I have to contact this person to see if they might know and this person to see if they have any idea I probably would have given

up.

Yeah, it's like there's something special about the fact that you don't totally have to wonder what if because he rise in your life and yes there for some of those like you said, tying learning to tie her shoes.

Like that's beautiful that.

Yeah, it's

still there

and it's so interesting.

Really?

It really is.

I just It blows my mind at the fact of how often he was around me and he must have been very sure that I was his child to do that.

Another thing that the psychic had said, was he and his wife, couldn't have children, and my mom and my dad couldn't have children, which I never knew that they had any fertility issues.

I just figured because I was born 10 years after my parents were married.

They were married in 72, I thought they were just waiting a very long time to have a child because my mom was a career woman.

My dad was starting his business and kids weren't super important to them at that time, I just thought oh they just waited 10 years to have me like that seem kind of normal in my in my mind.

And they never had kids after me but I didn't know.

If that was because of fertility issues or they just were one and done.

Apparently I was a handful.

I could see why they'd want to stop.

Do you think that you look like John or is it one of those things like now you think you do but growing up, you didn't really see it or

oh my God it's so crazy because I think I still look like my dad.

Okay, my dad who raised me I am like still convinced I look so much like him.

And I actually ran into two of his old employees while I was in Pittsburgh.

And I told them and they were like, but you look just like your dad.

How is this even possible?

And I was like, well, I guess my mom had a type.

I don't, I have some features of John but his, his widow said, you looked so much like his brother's son.

And so, I did Facebook stalking.

And Found a picture of him.

We could be twins.

Oh, wow.

And I, and it never really dawned on me that I could look like somebody else in the family.

I thought I should look, just like my mom or just like my dad, but I look just like my, he's my first cousin.

So I showed the picture to my husband, and he was like, oh, I can't unsee it.

Now, you found some male version version.

So I can now see I look very much like that side of the family.

But I've also this whole time thought that both sides, my mom's side and John side both look very much like each other.

Like there's just something about Irish people that they look very similar and you can just tell that they're from Ireland, just by the way, they look.

And so they're her side.

The family looks a lot like his side of the family, well, into your

point.

Like, Mom's people have types.

Sometimes, you know, you could look like your dad, but maybe your exactly looks like your biological father.

Yeah, exactly, exactly.

So it's crazy to just start to look at those different features and pick them out.

Yeah, yeah.

What do you hope for next?

So the next thing I'm hoping for like I said, I hope I am invited to the next huge family reunions.

If not, I just, I hope I am accepted into his side of the family because I have so many aunts and uncles that I've not gotten the chance to meet, and they're all very much older, they're in their 80s now.

So X, not really on my side.

And I would really like to get to know them And not have history repeat itself where I just time goes by and I don't know anything and I don't get the chance to ask questions.

So I'm really hoping that his side of the family is accepting and his son is accepting this whole situation.

From what I've been told, he's kind of a tough nut to crack so my expectations aren't super high.

I'm just hopeful and if it doesn't happen I'm not going to be very upset.

Set.

What

advice would you offer a parent who is keeping a DNA surprise from their child's?

I would advise that they do tell their their child because it's that child's right to know their genetics.

If they don't tell them science will find out for them and then you're kind of backed into a corner and that's definitely a very common theme, but Every child should have the right to know who they come from.

And even if it's not the best situation, it's still very important for health history.

That's the most important thing.

absolutely.

And what advice would you offer someone like yourself, who just found out that you're in npe?

Just

feel the feelings, trying your best to not suppress, what's going on?

Don't let your brain shut down on you.

I know it's a protective measure but try to really go with it and tell people don't hold it in because it's been a secret already for this long.

And what good is it going to be to keep it a secret even longer?

Normalize it speak about it.

And if you don't want to write about it, go to a therapist, just make sure you don't hold it in, get it out.

In whatever way you feel, is the most productive and healthy for you.

That's great advice.

Well, Shannon, thank you so much for coming on the podcast and sharing your story.

I hope that everything continues to move in a positive direction and you continue forging new relationships with your newfound family.

Thank you so much.

It was such a pleasure.

Thanks again, to Shannon for sharing her story.

If you have a DNA surprised that you'd like to share, please email Male DNA surprises at gmail.com until next time.

Male DNA surprises at gmail.com until next time.