Natalie’s DNA Surprise

This transcript was generated automatically. Its accuracy may vary.

Speaker 1

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Speaker 2

It was definitely feel that shock, like I remember and actually, I left there, I started crying in the car and that was because I felt like I'm the cheater and I cheated on my father my dad.

Right.

Because he doesn't know about any of this, right?

And I didn't like that.

I'm not the type of person that likes to keep anything.

I don't have any secrets in my life, even the hardships, I share, you know, and whatever social media like I I'm very open person, so the fact that he didn't know right off the bat, really, really bothered me.

And I made that clear to my mom, like I was like, how could you do this to him?

Because I already felt like she hurt him so much.

And now, I'm just like her.

Keeping it from

him.

Imagine spitting into a tube, sending off your DNA.

And unknowingly turning your life upside down for me and thousands of others.

This is our reality.

I'm your host Alexis ourselves in July of 2021, I discovered that I am an NP e.

Someone who has experienced a non paternal event.

In other words my biological father isn't who I thought he was this podcast shares.

The journeys of people who were shocked by a DNA Discovery mostly through Modern DNA testing.

We're telling the stories of NP.

He's adoptees and donor conceived people.

And their families.

This is DNA surprises.

Welcome to season 4 of DNA surprises in our first episode of the Season, Natalie shares, her npe story, when Natalie experienced her surprise, she had no idea that she was uncovering.

Her mother's decades-long secret about not only Natalie but her brother as well.

So many of us are desperate for answers when he first uncover, a DNA, surprise, Natalie's story, perfectly captures, how we often learn more and more truths as time, passes.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Natalie.

Okay Natalie, I'm 37 and I live in Vancouver Canada.

My life kind of went from very, very normal to so crazy in the, you know, in such a short time.

So I was raised in a very average home average income, parents dad's a peace officer, mom's a banker.

You know, good set of friends got decent grades didn't get in much trouble, you know, for it to turn into the other way.

Was quite surprising.

I didn't think anything anything was different in terms of my parents or relationships.

I didn't feel like the black sheep.

I wouldn't say I did have a younger brother.

Who is five and a half years younger than me.

I have seen the ads for 23andMe and ancestry for a long time.

We thought I'd become that kind of neat.

Like, I think I know my break, I was pretty sure I knew where my grandparents are all from.

My mom was born in Europe, I knew what island she was from so that wasn't going to be a surprise, but it was more just the combination of what my dad was, but you know, kind of made me curious.

Not really even thinking about the DNA matches at that point.

So I think it was on sale.

I'm like, okay, I'm going to get the ancestry kind of finally got around to doing it.

You know.

You'd get the notification that I would say in progress, you know, I took a screenshot sent it to, you know, my parents and my husband have like a group WhatsApp, WhatsApp group.

And you know, sent it to them going.

Okay?

Any secrets you want to let me know?

Like, is my father on a yacht somewhere.

Totally joking like guy.

Wow.

Yeah.

Totally like joking.

You know, my mom, right?

So yeah.

Haha, your dad's just on Only has a fishing boat.

Sorry.

You know, referring to when I say, Dad, birth certificate, father feel really bad about all that.

Now, considering my God was in that group and he didn't say anything so results come back and it was very different.

Whereas, the Scottish, where's, you know, there's a little bit of the English but didn't see that Scottish I expected and there was German and it didn't really make sense for 50% of it.

The other 50%, they nailed it right down to the small little tiny.

We Island my mom was born, you know, on.

So it didn't make sense at all.

I still didn't think to look at those DNA matches.

I was kind of just thinking it was that break down that I was going to get.

So I screen again.

Screenshotted that send it to the same group, my parents and they're going.

What's going on is my grandpa was a German spy.

Like there's something like totally not still not thinking you know the worst like still and my mom's just Those are probably wrong.

I said, well, then how did they get literally where you're born dead on, like, in the other like I said, again, still didn't think it was me.

That was going to be a strange or not biological.

I then I started.

And this is this is the first day.

I got the results back.

Then I start going, oh, maybe my grandmother, like maybe she adopted my dad, and he doesn't know.

I just kind of went to that side of the family.

Like, where could that have happened?

Still not even thinking at all it Is me getting Goose Bumps thinking about it?

Yeah, so you you kind of put the pieces together that there was an N PE but it wasn't going to be you it was

somebody else.

Exactly.

And I'm the type of person that like, I got it.

I have to know everything.

Like, I'm just very curious.

Always been that way.

I want to know, all the details.

I'm very type A personality.

I'm very organized I do.

I did always enjoy the genealogy, the family trees and whatnot.

I've done a lot of those on Ancestry.

But yeah, so it was, it was strange.

And so I remember I think it was the next day.

I think my mom again, like I said, just kind of tried to brush it off.

Now, looking back, she was trying to shut me up and just, you know, kind of get me to move past it, but I think deep down, she didn't knows me and she knows, I wouldn't, I wouldn't stop.

And then the next day, she was babysitting my kids.

I was upstairs in my office working, and I came down And I said, I think I know what happened.

I think it might have been my grandma blah, blah, but you know, like and she went white because we is the first time seeing her in person talking about it.

I again, still didn't think adding that it was me and I said, you know, something what do you know, still thinking?

She knows something.

But that is so naive and she said it was me.

I don't like what do you mean?

And she starts bawling, you know, bawling her eyes out saying, it was me that did it.

Your dad isn't your biological father.

I thought he was, you know.

And so I'm just literally in shock.

Like you'd think I would be mad, but it was.

She was crying.

And I was consoling.

Her saying thank you for telling me but like, realistically, that wasn't at all my attitude.

The day after it, any other day since.

So It's funny how I consoled her but it was I don't think it took a long time for me to actually believe that this was the case.

And how long ago was this this was a year and a half ago and it was already a tough time because of covid and my job like there was no business we're out of out of work, I'm self-employed.

So it was it was tough anyways because specially cuz when you have you know nothing to distract you from it.

It's like you're thinking about it.

All day every day.

There's not, you know, you're already worried about finances and stuff adding up and then there's just get started on it.

So I actually, I would say in major shock for a couple weeks.

I had no appetite.

I think I lost like almost 15 pounds in two weeks.

It was because I just wasn't hungry and didn't really, I guess know how to process it because it was just like, couldn't believe it really couldn't.

And then so the day that she said that we It up like I my husband was working from home and in the basement I go down.

Tell him like I'm was just like, I don't know.

I still don't get it.

I'm just he's like, okay, well I'll take the kids for a walk, you talk to your mother so we sat down and talked I was surprisingly calm.

Again, still not really realizing what's going on here?

Like I am.

But I'm yeah, just totally shocked and she said that, so her and my dad were married for five years.

I knew that and I always thought Thought the show.

He's just said, oh I just wasn't getting pregnant, you know, and eventually I did.

So I knew that I knew they took them a long time to get pregnant.

She I just took matters into her own hands and cheated on my father with her ex apparently.

This not, not a full-on affair for this reason.

And basically said that she heard an old wives tale.

That if you do that, you know, you'll get pregnant by your It.

I'm like, really.

I don't think that's the way it would work like, anyways.

Yeah, I didn't believe that.

I just thought that's some very terrible excuse.

Then I said, well does dad know she says, no and she said that she truly believed right off the bat that I was his.

Which seems so insane.

Considering you try, you know, for five years.

I don't know why she said it wasn't like, trying like today's, you know, we was yeah.

Seeing what was going to happen, not in a hurry.

But and then so I was like, immediately, like felt terrible for him.

And as I'm sitting there I go.

What about my brother?

And again, she kind of hesitated and said, I did the same thing.

Five years later and I was like, oh, wow, wow, yeah, like and he has no idea I know that.

So, I mean, I don't have a really great relationship with him.

We've never been that close.

But I did look at the DNA matches before, she told me this again, is, this is only a, probably within a matter of a day.

I was already trying to piece it together.

Obviously, and did see someone who had a family tree.

It was like, I think it was like a second cousins family.

Tree says able to see that.

And even just said, like, how are we connected?

Like, kind of looking at each other's family trees, right?

Before I knew the full story, trying to figure out, just where they are on my dad's side.

Or what?

And she.

So she shared her family tree.

So I was even able to see names of people that are alive.

Usually, you just see the ones that are deceased but she shared it with me.

We still couldn't make the connection but I did read see all the names and so now when my mom is telling me this I'm like what's his name?

So she tells me his name and I'm like you know that I look and sure enough he's on there, right?

So it all started adding up like I because of course at that point you don't know you literally have this person Trusted for thirty five six years and don't know at that point.

What is the truth?

And what isn't right?

So even as she's telling me this information, I'm questioning it right.

So but I checked out that person was on there and then, of course, I Googled the name.

I find an obituary from 2016.

It didn't say it said that he struggled with drug.

Drug use most of his adult life and it did mention his son's name.

So, immediately, I think, okay, I have a half brother.

So I start like digging, you know, Facebook and doing all my little, you know, investigation.

I see, I find a biological and she's in her 70s.

Yeah, I think she's around 70 now but I I mean, they, she had a pretty open Facebook profile.

So I'm kind of piecing things together, we even Had a mutual friend, which is crazy, but I could kind of piece together that the son of my half-brother who I thought was my half brother was raised by her, is what it seemed like, like the way he, you know, she'd referred to him.

As I think her son there is, I just, I noticed that there was there was seemed like she was the mother figure to him and I think that even, he even called her that in one of the posts or something.

So, I mean, and I assume that because you know that said there was drug use involved, maybe she adopted him or that was kind of my assumption didn't know at that point.

How

did you feel when you found an obituary and learned this about your biological

father?

I think because it was so early on and I was still in shock, I didn't really like, I can't say, I was like, oh, like darn, I can't meet him.

I wanted to meet him at that point, right?

Like I felt but at the same time hearing that he had a tough life, you know.

You're just like, oh my gosh.

That's terrible.

Like you wish you could have helped.

You had no idea.

No.

And but I also didn't know.

Did he even know about me?

Did he even know her what she was trying to do?

I I didn't know according to my mom, she didn't know he had a drug problem, I don't think maybe at that time, it was that bad definitely progressed to Crane to the ants.

And so I've gotten more information later on and I don't know, it was kind of a because when I saw that half-brother I was like, well now I definitely have to contact them because that was you know, something that I guess if I guess because I can't meet him, you know, it's that you know connection and again this is still early on so I So I usually jump into things pretty fast, but I was a little nervous that it was going to be too soon, just for my mental health, right?

So, I think I waited, I think it was about three weeks just doing, you know, my online research, trying to figure it out.

I found out that the family friends like her, young daughter was friends with me, because her boyfriends, friends with the half-brother, like I kind of knew everything, before I connected with them, like our thought I did it and Did eventually because I wasn't really, like, I could have looked up in the phone book and just called, but that just seemed way too nerve-racking.

So I ended up going back on the ancestry messages with that lady.

Who would have been?

I think it was, I think, was her husband, that I had the DNA connection with the, he was like the top one out of all the connections and I think he was, would have been my biological father's first cousin.

I believe.

So, I asked her, I just I didn't tell her that.

I discovered this because I hadn't told anybody at this point.

Aunt, I just said, oh, this theme of this lady sounds familiar, any chance you have her email address?

Because I didn't want to do Facebook either because I know a lot of times, if you're not friends, I don't receive it and then I'd be all like maybe she saw and doesn't want to message me back.

So I'm glad I didn't go that route for that reason, but she was a little bit like, oh, you know, will can you tell me about yourself?

And I'll let her know, you know, I kind of wanted to note, even Googled me, she's like, oh, I saw your work website.

I'm just like, oh my goodness it.

So

It's like

you look great.

I like okay, well, can I just have that email address?

So she gets she talked to her and the biological and not just saying, I don't know how she explained it, but she was fine with giving out your email address.

So I sent her an email saying this Probably sounds pretty wild.

But this is what I discovered and I figured because I was kind of worried.

She wouldn't believe me but at the same time it's not like I'm trying to get his money.

It's not like I don't have that DNA match to her cousin, you know, that like Like the lady did contact her.

So there was obviously proof there and I asked about the half-brother so I got a reply like pretty pretty quick.

I think the same day so the first thing she was like you know oh wow.

This is you know amazing but I didn't you know, and I think she might have said at that point there was a rumor or maybe in one of the emails because we had a few email exchanges back and forth but that first one she did say though about Your half-brother.

He actually did 23andMe after his dad died and got matched with a father.

Oh my God.

I was just like, no way like hat.

Like here, like our situations are somewhat similar.

Like that's I've never met anybody that I know of that's gone through this and then suddenly it's all.

It's just an insane.

It's just insane.

So I, you know, I Is just she's still like gave his email address.

You know, like said, oh, he'd love to chat with you kind of thing is seemed to really, really nice.

He's about 10 years younger than me.

So yeah, so it was all pretty insane.

And then so a couple email exchanges we and then we eventually did talk on the phone and she's just the sweetest lady.

Luckily, the rest of the family, didn't have any drug issues or mental, you know, mental health issues.

I could see, but she's very sweet, very nurturing kind of, especially, because Then have my mother to go.

You know talk to you about.

She was always willing to make checking in with me.

Texting me and really really sweet right off the bat very similar personality to my to.

So we could just talk on the phone for hours so it was all pretty crazy and apparently the half-brother was quite upset even though he wasn't close with his my biological father.

You know, she was the mother that raised him the ant, right?

So even though that she thought that was his biological and so I think Just that not having that connection was hard for him.

It sounded like I haven't had much of a conversation with him about it because I don't want to bring up you know any anything that's painful because I know she didn't reach out like he didn't I think he might have sent an email like there was just basically one correspondence with that match and and didn't like meet him or anything.

Just wasn't wanting to do that and he could keep his story private even from family members.

So it was Like her telling me not to say anything, you know, terms of, if I reach out to the other end and cousins and stuff and me saying, please don't share mine either, because there is a mutual friend, you'll probably, you probably noticed on Facebook because I think at that point we were probably Facebook friends.

And basically just said, well, we'll keep things private and not, you know, forget to tell a friend, not mention any names and and whatnot.

So, yeah.

So that was how it panned out, but at the same I'm time.

She, you know talks about his death and it turns out that he was actually murdered.

So that was came as a total shock because I just assumed an overdose or, you know, because it wasn't very old.

So I think it would have been in his 50s.

Probably mid 50s at the time.

So, that was tough.

And it's, you know, it's kind of like I didn't want to ask questions but if I don't I'm going to just have these thoughts like what happened actually and she basically Said that he inherited some money because their mother passed away and everyone got an inheritance and he wasn't quiet about it and you know II don't know if you owed somebody money or but you that he apparently they didn't end up getting it.

So maybe they were just trying to get his pin.

Number something and that was the consequence of not.

Yeah

so it wasn't an overdose as you know,

I don't even know if it had to do with the drugs.

I'm sure it was related to the people, you know, he surrounded himself with With he was a functioning drug addict.

It sounds like to a point like he had a high-paying job where there is a lot of drug use but basically would never lost his job.

Could go back to work and work when he wanted to write.

So I'm sure he had some tough times and some, you know, better times, you know, they tried to get him help but I think it was very secretive about it.

I think, even though they knew, I don't think it was like, he still came to some family.

Things wasn't doesn't sound like he was Not close with the child and she ended up raising, but she didn't end up adopting him, either until he was an adult like after he the father passed away, but they've always been so close and she would, she was basically single mother to him.

So did you learn a lot about

your bio

father from your Aunt, like in terms of just his interests and personality and things like

that?

Yeah, a little bit.

I I actually ended up meeting them Again, and probably quicker than I should have.

I, you know, like it was one of those things where I should have been way more excited, but I was so nervous, but also, it just didn't seem real yet, right?

Like if they were emotional, I get there.

She's bawling her eyes out, right?

Like, kind of like, I'm the piece of him that they don't have anymore, right?

Those of the other NPCs.

And well, not even that because he's passed away, right?

No, yeah, yeah.

It was pretty and they were so sweet.

So I meant the to to biological ants, couple cousins and the half-brother, I still call my half-brother, but yeah, they had a cake that said, welcome to the family like they were, just just so sweet.

So I really that was kind of a silver lining for sure.

Even though I can't meet my biological father, that seemed a lot easier like less nerve-wracking even though I was nervous.

It seemed like it was It's lesser Rocky not as much pressure and I remember my mom being worried knowing that I was going to meet them.

She was worried, they would not carry you know, like kind of I feel like they didn't care and not because she knows that would have upset me so but they they were great.

It was and I think at that point to, as really starting to get into the depression, like I was having nightmares about his death and it was causing me to not sleep and you know, much at all All because I would just eat.

Also, it was kind of that anxiety and depression started really creeping in.

I found out in December, so is able to use like all my you know coverage.

We have like 500 dollars a year for coverage for counseling through my husband's employer.

So it was good timing because I use that five hundred dollars literally in three weeks.

I think I had like four sessions like I probably could have used more but then of course, January it starts over.

So I still kept seeing that counts or so I'm really glad I started right away and I also so making sure my doctor knew you know, because I didn't feel right.

Like it was such a roller coaster of emotions.

One day might feel a little better but the next day I'm like down.

You know, I just was so all over the place.

One dad, want to try to fix her relationship with my mom.

The next day.

I was so angry.

I could never talk to her again, right?

It's weird.

So and then it started like I started thinking well like because she really Until was like, oh, dude, you're going to ruin our marriage.

If you tell them or you're going to, you know, like they're still married 40 years.

So what was kind of that guilt was like I don't want that on my conscience but he still if I'm saying I deserve to know, I deserve to know a long time ago, she didn't he that was kind of my thought process at the same time.

You don't know if there's different types of people.

Some people might not want to know, right?

They I'm not like that.

So, Really hard to understand or even I mean, just guess which, which he would prefer, right?

So he is more of a quiet.

Like, definitely different personality than me.

So what it was definitely a struggle and I was just basically trying to get her to tell him and I tried and tried and she'd say she was going to and never tell him and so was until about a year after I discovered it, that I said because he started really sensing like he knew something was wrong between us basically that hole.

And he started basically acting like I was just causing these fights and being hard on me about it.

And all I'm thinking is like if you only knew if you only knew you were on her side even though you don't know what you know, you're just making assumptions as to what you probably think were arguing about, or I don't know if she's telling him something so that's when it got to the point that I'm like, this isn't fair, that he's blaming me for our relationship issues, between me and my mom.

So that's what I told her if you don't tell him, I'm going to tell him.

He's coming over into hours and I had already arranged with him.

That was crazy in itself and this is now a year after I first found out I didn't turns out.

He did play hockey with the guy so he would know his name like in high school because they're all from high school.

This was my mom first boyfriend, okay.

Oh, and her and my dad ended up being high school sweethearts.

I think that he went to a different high school but they grew up in the same area and like not

so, so,

Tells him before he comes over to your house.

And I don't even know how it seemed like.

He didn't know a lot.

I don't know if she just like left and sent him a text.

I don't really, you know, I didn't ask, but he when he walked in I didn't think she told him because he was, so, it was so normal.

And so I was like, okay, she didn't and then I'm kind of like so do you know why you're here?

Because I had said I have something to tell you when I arranged it and he goes, oh yeah.

Mom said that, like he kind of just had the judge.

Like he didn't have a lot of details but he didn't seem bothered.

I was like really I don't know, I was just like thinking maybe she didn't tell him the truth.

I don't know it.

But then he did know like he did.

So I thought maybe he suspected this, just the way he.

But he says, no, I didn't know.

He had no reason to lie.

And, you know, like, since realistically, he's, you know, it was heard as I am, right?

If they weren't in, you know, if ya ever lie on either way, he got It on and they're not told right.

My mom's still to this day is like I was convinced.

I think she really, really worked hard at convincing herself.

I was his right.

Obviously, there's a possibility, it could be either sure.

But, and I look a lot like her.

I don't look like like that or even biological father that much.

Right?

So, it's yeah.

So I get why she did that but at the same time she mentioned something about how every time the phone.

Phone rang when you were little, I would be like, oh my God, you know, worried that he would get involved her trying.

Wow, yeah.

What when I first talked to my mom on that day, she told me when we sat down and talked, I did ask because I knew he had already, I guess looked up the obituary when I was with her and saw Samantha not, you know, siblings listed.

And I said to her had you ever met his siblings because obviously, you know, him he was your first boyfriend and she does swear.

It wasn't an affair.

It was like two times thing, but I said you met his siblings and she said, no, I haven't met them.

She said, but we did go to your family friend, it's a family friend.

I still friends with to this day and we're the same age.

So we did go to his first communion at a Catholic church and I saw biological father's brother and I was like, oh how did you know it was him?

She goes well, he looked just like him but also I saw his twin daughters names in the G, because they were having their first news.

We were just guests to watch it, but she obviously saw the same last name and put the pieces together.

And I thought, Oh, weird.

And then so I was literally watching my cousin's, get, you know, their confirmation, not at seven years old, we all would have been seven years old because they're the same year as well.

So that was the I didn't really think anything of that but when I first emailed that biological and she said in her, I think initially male the first or second email, she said, did you by chance have your first communion at a church and she told me the city of it of the church and it matched up to what my mom was talking about.

I'm like, whoa, this is strange.

Like, what's happening?

Yeah, because she didn't know, my mom had said that, like, I didn't mention it and I didn't I didn't want to go into the story.

I just said, why you asked?

And she said, oh, because we were at my niece's First Communion and there was a lady there that I like your biological father was there to.

We were the whole family was there to watch and he pointed at a lady and said, oh, I've been with her.

I wonder if that little girls my daughter.

Wow, could even remember, like, what I was wearing and she said, you know, I didn't think anything of it really just because of his lifestyle and, and, you know, his mental health issues.

So, you know, but she did say that was kind of there was Rumor sort of thing and probably from that.

Or maybe he mentioned it to someone else.

But I'm like, he saw me, that's when I realized he actually did see me once and he

did wonder.

Yeah, even if it was briefly exact.

So your dad, your birth certificate.

Father Dad,

took it all in stride.

It seems like, how are your parents doing now.

Well, I wondered how it would go because I thought that I was going to end And this is ending their marriage and I say I was going to end their marriage because that's what I was told that I was going to be doing if I told him.

But again I thought I'm not.

This was your decision to do.

So is your decision to not?

Tell us or not?

I said, if you really wanted to know you could have taken piece of our hair off the pillowcase and done a test without us, knowing if you really, you know, like he really cared to find out for us for my sake, right?

Um, but no, she wanted Just believe it, and leave it at that.

So he definitely is the type that bottles things up, for sure.

He doesn't talk about his feelings, he would never ever in his life.

Go see a counselor because he would even think that would help her, he has any reason to.

So I wondered how I didn't think they would stay married, to be honest because I know I like that's, that's a pretty big deal.

That's not just cheating on someone that's doing it with the intent of Having children and I did mention to my dad, when I did, see him that day, like I didn't know if she had mentioned my brother and I didn't want to bring it up because it like I said, I don't really relationship with my brother.

I didn't really feel like it was my place and I didn't want to make it worse either.

But I did say so, like, I somehow tried to dig them out, like, did does he know?

So, I did say something just like, oh, I wonder if he knows about this and he said, oh yeah, your mom told me that it happened again, like, so he.

So she did tell him.

Not

does your brother know,

he just found out probably four or five months ago he found out about three months after I'd like my dad found out.

So yeah, it was all and I did say to my and I wonder because I'm like, if I had my brother's address, I would have like anonymously left.

You know, left ancestry on his doorstep.

I didn't think he'd ever be interested in doing it but like I didn't think if he even got it as a gift, he would do it.

And I was kind of like thinking that my dad wouldn't want him to know.

Like it sounded like they wouldn't tell him which is kind of bad because now you know now it's two parents lying about it instead of right?

Rod.

And now it's although I couldn't also really like confirm that my brother was.

There was no DNA test.

Like we know she did that but I didn't want to be the one to tell him and him do the DNA test, it not pan out and then I'm, you know, he gets mad at me or I also was scared to tell him because I thought he tell everyone about me, you know, like share my story when I didn't want it.

Shared at that time and I did say, when my dad was there that day, I did, he did seem really concerned about New.

And I had only told my my mom's cousin, who is my godmother and some friends, they, I didn't mention them but I just said the only one who knows him was her and my mom ended up telling her not because she wanted to but because I really like I said to her, that my counselor asked, if asked if I had another mother figure to talk to and I said the only one I can think of that I'd want to talk to is my godmother and I said to the counselor I said, but I can't tell Her like my mom would be so mad.

It would just cause more issues.

And she said, why do you think he need permission from your mom to tell your story?

And I was like, that's so true.

But I told my mom this like, you know and she ended up telling her for me and that was she was in shock too so she would come over every now and then and we just you know talk about it.

She was crying that first time like because it was like she basically my mom was like a sister to her and because my mom and dad were high school sweethearts.

She was their flower girl in their wedding.

She remembers, you know them being together her most of her life.

So it was a shock to her as well and but I know I could trust her so to not, you know, share it and still do and I told I told some friends and I tried to make it where the ones I told weren't going to be the ones in the same room as my dad because my dad at the time didn't know I didn't want anyone uncomfortable because they knew something so personal that he doesn't, I told a couple friends, you know?

In different provinces.

Once I could trust, like I have some really great friends.

So to this

day, are you keeping a secret for your

dad, or

do you feel like you can talk about it?

Openly?

No, it's a part of this for him.

I don't, I guess, I guess for me, I'm normally open.

I'd like to be able to share but then I also wonder, like, do I want to be the gossip, you know, be About in the families, right?

Ate my dad's side, my mum's side, it's I know, it will happen.

It's not like everyone's close to me and Willie, you know, like my mom doesn't talk to certain people and like some siblings and her family's so they, you know, be talking about it.

I didn't like thinking that I'd be the topic of their, you know, kind of like I'd like to share with maybe more people in my life but I don't know that I'd be ready to do that.

I also had my mom's mental health to consider because Was she always made it like oh my God, if anybody knew I'd have to, literally leave the country, but it could be worse.

Like I don't know if she'd be suicide like I was really worried about that because she really cares about what people think of her and and that would be very embarrassing for sure.

Like I couldn't imagine how embarrassing that would be and but when I mentioned it to like with my dad asking who knew, he seemed very concerned about that and I said like you know I can keep it to myself and he's like okay yeah good like you do Your grandmother knowing this and, like his mom and, and whatnot.

And, and that's true too.

I guess I would always wonder if I told everyone are they treating me differently or that, you know, like I might be in my head where I, even though they're not, I think it seems like it, right?

So there's there's a there's it can go, it can go different ways.

So I don't really know how it would be, how would be taken and how I'd feel after the fact.

So I don't know if it's necessarily a bad thing but my My dad, my birth certificate.

Father, really didn't want people to know and and it is embarrassing for him as well.

So there's definitely a lot of Shame on my mom's end, but on his end with him choosing to stay with her.

He does continue to stay with her.

So the relationship hasn't really seem like it's changed, but I also haven't seen a lot, you know, a ton of them because I really still distance myself from my mom.

I mean, it's he stopped blaming me for us fighting.

But have you talked to your brother at all?

I know you said you weren't close but have you talked to him about

this?

He texted me saying he did a test and my mom told him, everything.

Can I call you?

And I said, sure, like normally, I wouldn't even like, he's also had struggles with mental health and addiction in the past and said some terrible things to me that you know are really hard to get past and even on going.

So I used to just like Ignoring a lot of these bad text that, you know, don't help to to get involved with this though.

Like, I felt bad for him because I just went through this terrible year in a bit and he just seemed.

So so about the family name and so like I thought actually I would have taken it better because I was actually in the process of adopting a child internationally before we surprisingly did conceive.

Our first daughter but we had fertility issues mean my Has been for six years and we're in the process of adoption.

So really like to me being biological, didn't matter, you really didn't.

So I was actually surprised how much this did affect me based on that.

But I think just that betrayal in itself and and and not having that identity.

You know what, I have friends that have also like have adopted from the same country.

We were like at that I met through the adoption process and I when we had the social worker, Do the home study and come over and it was very clear that you tell them as early as possible, read them stories are not going to understand it, but you read them those books about the animals taking in a different, you know, different kind.

And so that's what we were planning on doing.

We would never have have kept that to ourselves, right?

Because I know that would have been hard to handle.

Not that I had at the time, but it just sounds like it would be now.

It's like holy cow.

That's a that.

In crisis and right.

So it wasn't about the biology to you.

It

was about the secret not knowing in that upheaval.

I mean, a combination, I guess to a point, but I don't feel like, if I had like, if my father's biological, we'd be getting closer, right, weren't right.

Where it's super close, but we were quite like, it was a good relationship.

And I did have, like I said, a good upbringing.

I had lots of opportunities.

I and one thing that really, really We bothered me still does to this day is at one point.

My mom called me ungrateful as if like, because I'm mad about this.

You know, my whole childhood was a sham and I'm ungrateful for for the childhood I had.

And I think and the fact to like, basically, I took it as like her thinking.

She's Mother Teresa like, well, you had the better father.

Obviously in the end.

Sure.

I did.

But you lied about.

You know, I could just that was hard and even to this day, she said, sorry for it, you know, eight months later, but even to this day that still really bothers me that I'm coming off as ungrateful because that's not what.

I'm not ungrateful.

I hate.

I'm still, I'm still blessed for what I had, but part of you feels like you lived a lie.

Yeah, I'm very sentimental person and little things like, oh yeah.

Here's my dance costume from when I was seven years old like that stuff, I keep now I can barely.

Look at that stuff.

How do you know?

Yeah, even though I'm not ungrateful, I did have a lot of opportunities, like not every kid God to do down in the class and what not?

But it's it's like that's sentimental value kind of left with, with this whole thing.

Yeah, you know, a lot of and Pease and people that have experienced DNA surprises talk about The importance of that medical history.

So knowing that your biological father had mental health and substance abuse issues, and then seeing that translate to your brother having them, is that something that you thought

about hundred percent.

Like I'm really feel lucky that I didn't dabble in drugs and like because there's a genetic factor for sure, you know, that's become more clear, right?

Recently with studies and my counselor mentioned it as well.

And so I'm I wish I had known because what if I was going to you know, in my high school years do something, I'm lucky I didn't but it would have been good to know for that reason, you know?

Like yeah.

And when I thought about my brother, I wondered if he was just like a clone of what my biological father was, right?

Like, I didn't know if my biological father was like, That great of a human being, it's hard, some people pass away, you hear the best, right?

Like maybe if I get into it with the half-brother all I'll get more Ito, more insight to how he felt growing up.

I feel really bad that I wasn't there for him as he's obviously gone through a lot prior.

Even with having a father that wasn't there, that much and into drugs, picking drugs over you.

And I really feel bad that I wasn't there for him.

And that's probably because I'm 10 years older.

He didn't really have.

Anyway, he didn't have any other siblings it, that could relate to that, but I ended up finding out through the other aunt, she said something when we went for coffee not too long ago, she said something about how she's pretty sure that my grandfather contacted my mother at some point.

And at that point I thought my mother told me everything I need like, all the secrets I didn't know which switch what was the truth, but I didn't really think there was any other big secret.

So I think I thought I got it all so he didn't really know though.

Like the ant just thought she heard that he but didn't know why.

I didn't know anything.

Of course I'm assuming it's because he heard about me.

Why else would he meet with her?

So but my grandfather passed away.

So I can't even, you know, I don't even know.

All I, all I could do is ask my mom and I tried to word it with my mom.

Like oh, this is what I was told.

Tell me what was said so I can see if it's the stories match.

Even though I didn't have a story.

I didn't know how.

And what did she say?

She said that it was just after the half brother was born and that, he contacted her, because he knew where she worked.

And so they met up for coffee and it was him, trying to convince her to basically get together with his son and raise his child with him and that I was she claims I wasn't even mentioned.

What do you think about that?

Well, it seems strange that considering she never met him.

I don't know, maybe it was his son just saying, oh that woman would have been a good mom and they were basically at that point knew that the biological mother wasn't going to be good for this child.

So yeah, it was kind of upsetting, I'm kind of thinking, I think I said to her will you didn't tell him that you might have his grandchild.

You're not home, right?

Like she didn't have anything else to say, but she basically told him apparently, she told him that she's not going to leave her husband.

And she's happy, kind of refine and that was that.

So I don't even know if the biological father knew about my brother.

Like I don't know when they stopped communicating.

I did ask, I did ask prior to finding about the first communion.

I did ask if he knew about me and she said that he did see him once after like he stopped by her work.

And he asked like, oh it's like she knew he had a baby and said I was issue my I mean and my mom was like, I don't know.

You know, who knows?

And he said, okay, well, according to my mommy said well that just don't come to me for child support.

And apparently, she gave him a picture of her and I or something.

So, wow.

I mean, I guess nobody knew, you know, nobody had confirmation right but everyone knew it was a possibility other than my dad, my by bursts.

Are you getting these little bits of information just over time?

You're finding like more little B.

As

it goes exactly on the fact that like I thought, my mother learned her lesson to come clean and then that happens, eight months later.

It's like you forgot that piece of information, you know, like really you forgotten about biological grandfather, right?

Like so, who knows how

much there is?

You and your mother are not as close.

Now, do you have any hope for repairing your relationship?

The hope is mostly for my children.

Because they've always been really close with her and my birth certificate.

Father, it's more at this point for them.

And I think it was, that was a big concern for her to when it all happened.

Is like, I can literally say, you're never seeing my children again and me, right?

I'm, that was a big worry for her too, but I don't want to do that to my children.

When when I thought about like, when she was saying, don't tell your father about it, it's going to ruin.

Our marriage.

My thought was so then when my kids like I'm not gonna lie to my kids like you lied to me.

So when my kids get old enough for want to do a DNA test but actually even old enough to ask me about their ethnicity, I'm not going to lie about it to them but then what I'm going to say don't tell your grandpa.

So I'm going to tell them to lie just like you're telling me to write so it just felt like I was just becoming her even more if I do that.

But I wasn't going to lie to my children.

There are certain times where Something she says, or does really, really just sets me off.

So it's hard to totally forgive somebody and move on, and I don't even know if I'll ever be able to get there.

I hope so, but I know that trust never going to come back for sure.

It's never going to.

But if I can, you know, just basically what I've been trying to do at this point is just try to be able to be in the same room with her.

Maybe couldn't Vern submit, but it not mean I'm going to leave.

Leave and be more upset, working on.

It still see you in a counselor but I really, really felt like by now I should be should be further on, but I know everyone has their own home pages.

So I know you said you urine counseling and you've had, you have good days and bad days, but where would you say you are overall in your npe journey?

Now, I'm doing pretty good so I had to be on like antidepressants anti-anxiety medication for about It's about a year and it was just really lucky to, obviously, I wasn't working during.

It was basically like I'm back right now because I work in the event industry, so it's been a long time, since I've had employment like full-time employment for the counseling.

I was able to get the crime, there's a crime victim assistance program for immediate families.

So, I was able to get 36 free hours of counseling which will last me a long time, which is great.

But I I really needed that because just already the stress of paying our bills when I'm not getting my income, we're just solely on my husband's and paying for the kids to still be able to do swim lessons and all that, right?

So yeah so I was really lucky because I if I didn't have that I wouldn't be able to see a counselor as often and I don't think I would be even where I am now.

It's just one of those things to even even just talking about it with anybody.

Some of that supportive I shouldn't say anybody.

It just feels better.

So on my husband he's been my angel when I went through that depression and really wasn't sleeping.

Well, I just wanted to lay in bed all day, even though I couldn't sleep, he would he would handle the kids and work as well and take them, you know, to school and do all that, he really stepped up and, you know, he's always been really good, but he knew I needed it.

So that was a blessing in disguise.

I'm very grateful for him.

So I know it's hard for A lot of people though because it's, you know, it's very expensive.

So I was, I'm very yeah, thankful that I got that.

What advice would you

offer a parent who is keeping a DNA surprise, from their

child's, tell them right away?

Although when I do look back, I do think there was times in my life that that would have been very hard, you know, certain ages where specially as a teenager hormonal girl, you That I know that that I was at a good place in my life now when I did find out about it, yeah but my thought would be earlier the better for sure.

And sort of like you plan to with with the

child, you were going to adopt you were going to tell them right away.

What advice would you offer someone who just discovered that they're in npe

for sure?

Get a counselor keep those people in your circle and you know talk to them.

The ones you're close to that would be supportive and talking about it is is the biggest thing for sure.

But also having some like a medical professional check in with you because if I didn't have that doctor to say let's just try some antidepressant, you know.

I wouldn't know if I needed them because when you're have a shock like that.

Of course you're not going to be your normal self but I don't know.

Where does it get to the point of depression or anxiety?

I just knew I was going through a lot.

Well Natalie, thank you

so, Much for coming on the podcast and sharing your story.

I hope that your journey continues in a positive direction and that you find peace.

Thank you so much.

Thank you for listening.