Jessica’s DNA Surprise

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Speaker 1

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Speaker 2

And I also wonder that like, did my mom not tell me because when my parents got divorced right?

Before I turned 12 and my dad who I thought was my dad turned into a Jehovah's Witness.

So all the sudden stop celebrating, you know, holidays.

So that was you know I mean like I just had it.

I feel like with puberty and all of that.

It was just not a good time to be telling a teenager that.

So I feel like at the same time, she's good.

Told me when I was a teenager because I wouldn't have been able to handle that information.

So that's why I don't have any animosity towards her because I can't say that I would have done it differently because I don't know what I would have done if I was in the same situation.

Imagine spitting into a tube, sending off your DNA.

And unknowingly turning your life upside down for me and thousands of others.

This is our reality, I'm your host Alexis ourselves in July of 2021, I discovered that I am an NP e.

Someone who is experienced a non paternal event.

In other words my biological father isn't who I thought he was.

This podcast shares the journeys of people who were shocked by a DNA Discovery mostly through Modern DNA testing.

We're telling the stories of NP, he's adoptees, and donor conceived people, and their families.

This is DNA surprises in this week's episode.

Jessica shares how her npe discovery unfolded.

She discusses, how it's affected her relationship with her raised family, and how she is trying to learn about her biological father, a man.

She was actually aware of while growing up.

One of the things that struck me most about Jessica's story is how much it reflects the effects of covid-19 on DNA surprises from delayed opportunities to connect with family, two deaths preventing NP.

He's from getting the answers, they so badly, want the pandemic has changed the trajectory of many Journeys.

Thank you for sharing your story,

Jessica.

Jessica 42 Illinois I had done a test Christmas around Christmas of 2019, because every year when we would get together, my brother would pull up his, we would go over, you know, stories about our ancestors and there's a lot of interesting things that we found out about the family and that Christmas of 2019.

He was showing a bunch of like, really Weird stories about our family.

And I was like, wow, that's pretty cool.

And so, I was like, oh, I'll do it too.

I had absolutely no suspicion.

I was always told that I was adopted by my real dad because my parents weren't married.

When I was born and then when they got married, they got pregnant with my brother.

So my older sister was always my half sister and I always knew that, but I always thought that my brother and I had the same dad.

He, my brother has a little bit of a darker complexion.

I'm a little more Pasty.

Yeah, but we always chalked it up.

As I look more.

Like my mom, and he looked more like my dad, or, you know, what we thought was my dad.

So I did the test and then I got the results and I didn't even notice that, my brother wasn't my full brother in the result because I didn't know how to read them.

And then finally, he's like, oh yeah, you and Jenny are only 200 different, whatever the measurement is that they use.

It wasn't very Rent and I was like well that's weird because she's half and I'm a full and I'm like wait a minute.

I'm like I don't see anybody from you know, Dad's side and he's like what do you mean?

And then he called me right away.

And he's like, so and so's on there.

And so, and so's on there.

And so, and so's on there and I was like, I don't see any of them, and I'm like, but I see this person and he's like, well, I don't see this person and he's like, well, maybe it's, you know, maybe it's a cousin because we do have relatives that are gay.

And so, he's like, well, maybe they used a pseudo name to do the test because my sister had used a pseudo name to do the test so that nobody would know it was her.

So I was like oh well that would make sense.

Maybe they just Just wanted to use a different name and not let everybody know but it turns out that's not the case.

It was real person their real name but does turns out that that's how we found out.

What was your reaction when you kind of put it all together?

I was just in shock.

I was just surprised.

I always, I never had any really question.

I know I had questioned my mom because my parents got divorced and my dad was abusive When we were growing up and I didn't like him, so I would constantly fight with him and there were times when it was his weekend to take us and he would only take my brother and I would cry and, you know, just not understand why.

He was always showing favoritism to my brother.

But now that I have the results and I found out, I feel like so much more has come to light.

Like, I've since talk to my dad and I asked him, my dad asked him one.

Tonight, you know, like about how he felt about it.

He's like, what do you mean?

And then, he had come over and we were talking about and because we've since made a man's from when I was younger, when I was younger, I was very argumentative and just I didn't behave well with him at all.

So as I was always confrontational with him, but I mean it worked both ways, but I definitely did not do my best to behave when I was with him.

So, did he suspect yes?

Now, I know that he did, but he never told me that there was a time when I was in my 20s and I had called him and I'd asked him, you know why he treated me the way he did.

And, you know, showed favoritism to my brother and he never ever mentioned a word of it to me that he questioned her anything.

So he just treated you different.

Yeah.

He just treated me and I didn't know, but after I had confronted him after I found out, he's like, oh well who does it say you're related to and I pulled it up and he goes As yeah.

So and so is your dad and I was like, wait a minute, what I'm like, how do you know?

And he's like oh used to come to the farm all the time he gave you your first dog, he gave your sister a prize goat, he gave us, you know, are a couple other dogs because they were dog breeders and I had no idea about any of it.

I mean I remember the dog that I got when I was five years old, I don't remember the person that gave it to me, but that was how I found out who my bio dad.

Lies.

And then I found out that he passed away, I believe in 2011.

So I never had the opportunity of knowing him, and I reached out to he does have two daughters and I reached out to them.

The one didn't acknowledge me, or answer the message at all and the other one did and then she was kind of skeptical because her sister and her mom were not very supportive. – so I paid for a test for her and she did the test and then got the results and sure.

Enough it showed that she's my half-sister.

So now she, you know, obviously believes me, but she did ask outer aspect of her mom and everything to just keep, you know, everything private on the down low.

And, you know, I've respected that I've just pretty much stayed back and I figured there's not really anything that I can do.

You know, to make them want to have a relationship or talk to me.

I mean, I don't know how I would feel knowing that, you know, I had a half-sibling out there as a result of something, that I don't even know about.

So.

And I'd say the probably the hardest thing for me is not being able to ask my mom, what happened?

Because I know she was very religious, but I also know that she was a single mom with my sister.

And then she got pregnant with me.

I don't know if she got pregnant with me and it was consensual or if it was Not consensual.

I have no idea, you know?

And, and I know that they from what I understand.

They kind of worked together, but I was born in the late 70s and my mom was a police officer at the time when she got pregnant with me and it was a very sexist work environment.

So I don't, I don't know anything, you know, anything about if it's like I said, if it was Central or if it wasn't.

So that obviously is something that I wonder about

with was your biological father married at the yes.

Yes.

Okay so your sisters are they older younger than you?

Your half-sister

older?

They're actually older than the sister that I grew up with.

Okay.

So they would be at an age where they could remember, I would think but the one that does talk to me, gives me very little information if anything Thing I've really only got one picture of my bio dad, everything else I found out from Googling?

Wow, and I did, I did ask, you know, health history, and my dad who I thought was my bio dad, he knew he's like, oh yeah, he had Ms. So, you know, I mean it's good to know some stuff but that's all that I really knew was that he had them as and then my dad said that he was kind of, I guess egotistical, he would tell everybody.

That he was a part of Mensa which you know kind of like bragging as if he was better than people.

So I don't really know.

I don't really know him.

I don't know anything about him other than what I've been told.

And I would imagine that the times that he did come over to the farm, when I was growing up, he had to have known that.

I was his daughter or at least had an idea.

So I mean I've got blond hair, green eyes and my brother who I thought was my full brother.

My whole life, has more of an olive complexion.

Action brown hair, brown eyes, who I thought was my dad, brown hair brown eyes, but he's pasty and then my mom, she had like, kind of a red hair blue eyes and, you know, she was pasty to so I really never thought anything of it.

People, when my brother and I were growing up would say, oh, are they twins because we were so close in age.

So I was just really surprised I guess by the whole thing.

Now, I know you said that you aren't able to ask

Your mom questions about this when, when you first found out, did you confront her?

I found out.

I think it was the end of February of 2019 and my mom was in the hospital with pneumonia and I didn't think that that was really the best time to talk to her because she wasn't feeling well and then she got out of the hospital and she got released to go back to work and then she was working a lot.

So, she was tired because of work, and she was 69 years old.

So working 12-hour shifts on her feet, in a nursing home.

So, she was working a lot, and I just pretty much respected that she was tired.

And I was like, well, wait till it's, you know, a better time, a more appropriate time to say something.

And I finally, after she got better and got back to work and everything, it was May like the late, the end of me.

I sent her a message like a text via Facebook messenger and I just took some screenshots of what I found out.

I was like not sure if you're able to make sense of what I sent.

You, I've known for over a month now that Fred's not my dad.

I'm sure you have your reasons for handling this.

The way you have, I have no intention of blabbing this to anyone.

I do however, want to know who my father actually is.

I'm not interested in reaching out at this to this person after 40 years.

There's really no reason.

Reason for me to hopefully someday you'll tell me and her response was no, I didn't understand what you sent me.

I always thought Fred was your dad.

That was why I made the decisions I did.

I wish you would have said something sooner.

I can't seem to grasp this.

I need some time to wrap my head around this.

I'm sorry, I know you want answers, but I can't even think straight right now.

I love you and I'm sorry.

I hurt you.

I never wanted to do that.

Wow, so that was the last time we talked about it.

That was April 2nd.

April 6 was my birthday.

She called me and said happy birthday.

I'm really tired.

You know, I just wanted to call and wish you a happy birthday but I've been working a lot and I'm just really tired.

So I got off the phone with her and then the next day I got a call from my brother.

She went into the hospital and tested positive for covid.

She never came out of the hospital.

I'm so sorry.

Thank you.

But it's just It wasn't, you know, I did talk to her while she was in the hospital and send her videos and stuff, but that was the furthest thing from my mind about talking about.

So

she passed and then you're kind of in this.

I imagine state of grief for your mom and then you're also kind of dealing with this massive identity

shift.

Well she she went and she went into the hospital.

April 7th, she went on a vent.

April 9th and we had to transfer to a different hospital so she could get better care.

But by then it was too late.

She did wake up from her coma and was responsive and was off the vent for short period of time and then she had to go back on and she ended up passing May 18th.

So it was a long it was a long time Dick's, you know.

So my focus completely shifted to just like looking at stuff on my own like obviously I couldn't sleep because I was stressed about my mom.

Then I was also confused about my upbringing.

I like everything that I thought was true was not true.

I thought I was going on my Grandma's birthday.

I wasn't my middle name was after my grandma but that's not my grandma growing up.

There's just so many things that I'm just like, well, I really wonder how scared.

My mom was to have made the decisions that she did.

I know that she came from a very strong Catholic upbringing and she Really tried to follow that as much as she could but obviously things happen and you have no way of knowing what happened unless you were there.

So everything that I think of is strictly speculation and all I can really think about is she raised, she raised me.

She told me that when she was pregnant with me because I'm what I thought was, my dad's side of the family, there's Down syndrome.

She's Said when she was pregnant with me, everybody was saying, well, you know, she could have Down syndrome and I was like, nope, I didn't I wasn't worried about that, I still wanted to have you.

And then when I was pregnant with my first son, he had some health conditions and they were worried about Down syndrome.

So they did a test and everything was fine, but she told me that story, you know, like, do you care if this child has Down syndrome?

I was like, no, I'm going to love it anyway.

And she's like, well, that's what my thought was, she's like but that's what they're asking you.

When they're making you make all these huge decisions is, can you still live with this child?

If it has a disability.

She's like, because I was presented with that and, you know, that didn't bother me.

I know that, I feel like a lot of people have a lot of resentment towards their, their mom for lying to them, but their mom is not my mom.

And I don't know what their story is.

All I know is my story and I really think that That my mom really was in a bad spot and didn't know what to do and made the decisions she did and didn't realize how impactful it was.

Hmm.

So you are not angry at your mom.

I mean I feel like it goes in waves.

Like I am kind of angry at her for lying but I don't know why she lied.

So I can't have resentment towards her for Has your

birth certificate, father shed, any light on the situation of what he thinks might have happened?

Did she

talk to him about that?

Actually, no, I didn't.

I know that.

I know that my mom was best friends with my birth certificate dad's sister and she passed away of ovarian cancer before I was born.

So I almost wonder if my mom thought that he would be the better dad for Or me, I mean, I really again, it's speculation but II, don't know, I know that my grandma who is not my grandma, but she was always really mean to my sister because my sister wasn't her granddaughter.

So I don't know if my mom like had that in the back of her head to that, I would be treated differently by that side of the family, if they knew the truth or if my mom really did think that it was possible that my birth certificate Dad could be the dad.

What has the reaction been of everyone in your life?

Now how is your relationship with your birth certificate?

Father?

Now I would say it's we're kind of closer but the same because we're really the only two that, I understand how we feel because it, where the two that are most affected by it, right?

I feel like everybody else to my family, really doesn't think it's a big deal.

What about your

brother and sister that you?

You grew up with

my brother.

Did I grew up with him?

And I are only 11 months apart, so we're really close.

We have been growing up and everything.

He says he understands and, you know, if I say something to him he's supportive, he's not, you know, mean or anything, but he's got a big family and he's pretty busy.

And then my sister and I, the one that I grew up with she's a eight and a half years older than me.

And we don't really get along very well.

So, Okay, I think she had a, she had a lot of resentment because she had to do so much.

She told me how she hated my birth certificate, dad for many reasons growing up because if he always made her do chores because we grew up on a farm and things like that, but she can't really resent me for him being my dad, because he's not my dad, so I don't know.

She just has a lot of resentment towards me for many reasons, and my mom had actually told me and that's the thing that confuses me too.

Is that my mom said that – My sister was jealous because she wasn't able to have kids and I was and that, you know, she was always going to be mad at me and I should just not talk to her that what my sister and I got into a fight.

I'm not sure.

I think it was 2016 and we got into an argument and she's like, well Fred's, not your dad.

And when I had talked to her, when I found out, she's like, oh well, I didn't tell you that.

So, and so is your dad, you just wanted to hear that?

I'm like, okay, that's not something that you just make up.

So, I wonder if my sister knew in my mom didn't want my sister to the told me so.

But again, it's all speculation.

It's yeah.

So I mean what, what are your main

Questions, I guess that you that are still unanswered for you because it seems like there are many.

What do you still want to know if you could get those answers?

I mean, I guess really ultimately just a health history.

I would say, that's probably the most important.

I'm pretty sure that I got my a.d.d. from my bio dad, my kids have it too and I, my mom all with me growing up on the farm.

She said that she made everything from scratch which I remember she did.

We never had Had pop or anything really.

So everything was even the desserts were made from scratch.

So just with stuff that we had on the farm so she said that that never helps and she would go to the doctor and just ask them why I was so just bouncing off the walls and she couldn't, you know, control me.

So I feel like a lot of things like that would have been answered had, we known the truth?

I mean, now, when I go to the doctor, I have to tell him.

Oh, wait.

All the Stuff that I had in my house history is not relevant, right?

But like I went to my OB and I was like yeah I actually found out that my dad's not my dad so I really don't need to worry about ovarian cancer anymore because that wasn't my aunt that passed from that.

And when I told her she had explained to me that she was going through the same situation.

So gosh.

I was just, you know, I'm I was just completely surprised and she was very understanding and very compassionate and so I think That was helpful especially knowing that it can happen to anyone.

It could be a doctor, it could be, you know, anybody.

So right.

Yeah, this kind of thing doesn't just happen to certain kinds of people, whatever that means,

right?

The socioeconomic status, doesn't matter.

Your race doesn't matter.

It just happens.

It's so common.

And the support group on Facebook is helpful because I feel like I do go through a roller coaster of emotions, but it helps, Smee to read what other people are feeling and thinking, and know that I'm not alone.

What do you hope for with your journey?

I know you said that your your one sister isn't really interested in establishing a relationship and then, the other one is a little bit quiet.

Do you have hopes to grow any sort of relationship there?

Um, I do.

I do have hopes to, you know, not necessarily like a super close.

I'm not trying to impose, but it is nice.

I do, you know, like I'll message her every once in a while and I did meet her.

So that was nice.

We went out to lunch and I just I know that she is in a position where she can't really drive so she spends a lot of time with her mom.

So I can't really talk to her.

If she's She's out of respect to her and her mom you know if she's spending time with her that's not really the time for me to try to plan stuff with her.

Yeah definitely just seems like such a challenging situation to try to get an answer.

So I hope that you're able to find some

well, thank you.

Hopefully, I will be able to but if not I mean I know that I've got I'm fortunate enough.

I've got my kids, I can try and you know just teach them the importance of Honesty, I've got three boys.

So my goal is to teach them to just treat women with respect and not do this to somebody and leave them high and dry.

Did you tell them what happened?

I've told my oldest but I haven't told my younger too because my younger to are 8 and 10 but my oldest is 22.

So I've told him because he is, you know, at a time in his life where he can Understand and I don't think he really even cares one way or the another the next because he's, you know, further removed from it, which is good.

I don't want it to affect them at the same time, I definitely give praise to my dad, that's on my birth certificate because he did, especially with me when I was younger.

He I never would have known that, he felt that way because he never like verbally said anything.

Like you're not my kid or, you know, so So, I mean that takes that shows a lot from him to, you know?

So one question I have

though, is what have you learned about your biological father?

I mean, you said that you you haven't gotten a ton of information from your sister but you found some things through Google.

Have you found anything interesting?

I mean not so much about my father.

Just there's really not much on him.

I know that he had a brother but other than that I don't really, you know, I know that they're both, they both passed away.

But other than that, I don't really know anything about them.

So I he actually I think he liked horses but I know he bred dogs.

And I guess he was an insurance salesman but he also was on the police department, so I'm not really sure.

I feel like a lot of the times when I asked my sister that does talk to me.

The questions are kind of, are the answers are kind of open-ended or short.

And I don't really want to pry because I feel like I'm lucky to get any information and if it makes her uncomfortable to give it to me, then, I don't really want to force her to give it to me.

I don't want to continue to make her feel uncomfortable because it's not been Official.

I mean I can't really change the past.

Like, what's happened is happened?

This is the result that it is.

It's just the only difference is now I know about it.

So yeah, that's true.

What advice would you give a parent who might be hiding?

A DNA surprise from their child, to write down why they did what they did?

So that they can give it to their child when they're older.

When they think that you know it's a time that they can handle it.

I think

the advice of writing it down the really interesting and that's the first time I've heard that and I think that's such good advice because it allows parents to kind of capture the thought process and the true story and everything at that time instead of relying on memory,

right and to get their feelings out.

You know, because I feel like a lot of these parents that are in denial or that, you know, everybody says is, you know, narcissistic or whatnot.

Sometimes I, I mean, I've always been told that people will believe their own lie over time and I almost wonder did my mom, just start to believe it because it was so long I found out when I was 40, you know, that's, that's a long time and Italy, but there's a lot of things that And with things that she said that I was like, well, that's weird.

Why would you say that?

So, for example, my middle son, my younger, two boys are both makes their dads African-American and I'm Caucasian.

And when my middle son was born, he was born Caucasian and I asked the doctor I was like, well, when is he going to get his collar?

And my mom had taken me to that appointment?

His first doctor's appointment like when he was a week.

Cold.

And the doctor took his diaper off and rolled him around and he's like because he's like what do you mean?

I like was dead African-American and he's super pasty.

He's like I don't think he's ever going to get his color and then when we were leaving the doctor because my mom had to drive me, she's like don't ever tell don't ever tell, you know, Darryl dad.

And I said well, why would I, what am I hiding from him?

Why would I not tell him that?

Like that's a weird thing to say.

But now, when I look back at it I'm like, did she Say that for a reason because she knew that she had done that, right?

So which I know I have and I've always said that I'm like, you know, who you sleep with.

You know, even if you regret it, you know, I was just really surprised that she said that and I was like, well why wouldn't I tell him?

I think that's funny that the doctor said, he's never going to get his color.

What advice would you give someone who just had a DNA surprise maybe just discovered that they are in NP E?

I would say, definitely Counseling.

Or support group or find somebody that you can confide in and try and just I don't know.

Be calm about it.

Try not to like react right away.

Try to just like let your head wrap around the information.

First

that's great advice.

That's great advice.

Thank you so much for your time today and for sharing your story, I wish you the best of luck on your journey.

Thanks again to Jessica for sharing her story.

If you have a DNA surprised that you would like to share, please email, DNA surprises at gmail.com.

And if you haven't yet, please rate, review And subscribe to the podcast on Apple podcasts and Spotify.

Until next time.