Diana’s DNA Surprise

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Speaker 1

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Speaker 2

Actually I was but you know I was the boy in the family because nobody understood me because we're all girls, you know, growing up and I was rude and crash and disgusting and and I still am.

I'm very immature.

My sister's don't get me but I think yeah my others days of this newfound family.

They do.

Get the humor.

It's good.

Imagine spitting into a tube.

Sending off your DNA and unknowingly

Turning your life upside down for me and thousands of others.

This is our reality.

I'm your host Alexis ourselves in July of 2021 I discovered that I am an NP e.

Someone who has experienced a non paternal event.

In other words my biological father isn't who I thought he was this podcast shares.

The journeys of people who were shocked by a DNA discovery.

Mostly through Modern DNA testing.

We're telling the stories of NP.

He's adoptees and donor conceived people, and their families.

This is DNA surprises.

Not everyone who discovers that they are in NP e, is able to connect with their biological father in this week's episode.

Diana shares, how she came to learn that?

She was an N PE and what heard?

He has been like so far connecting with extended family members Beyond her biological father.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Diana

Diana.

And I'm 53 and right now.

I live in Glendale Arizona but originally I'm from Danvers Massachusetts that's where I was born and raised.

My husband and myself were just casually taking the ancestry DNA test just to find out you know, where we could go visit Places and travel and see, you know, I'm ancestor, you know, our ancestors and stuff and growing up I was always told my paternal.

Grandparents English French, and polish, very French and polish, extremely, French, and polish.

My maternal parents, English and Irish.

Oh, grandparents, English and Irish.

So, planning, a trip going over there.

There was a lot of places we went to go.

So, we get the DNA back and, and it looks, I am so white.

I am so white bread.

It's just ridiculous.

So I believe all of, you know what I've been told?

And I've told my mother, she was still alive at the time.

About the DNA test.

And her first question was, have you found any long-lost relatives?

Mmm.

I'm like, no, no.

But I am having a hard time with her side of the family, because everybody seemed to be named the same name but I was Doing well.

On my My Father's Side.

I was finding a lot of information and no, DNA matches what a year goes by and I get a DNA match.

That could be second cousin.

And he messes his messages.

Me.

And we talked for quite a bit, we asked each other.

Well, are you adopted?

You know, how can we be this close?

And not know any family members, we both came from the same town and he mentions the And I'm like, you know, that sounds familiar I'll go through my family photos and look well it ends up being a street name that was the name not a family name that was familiar with me and quite a few more months go by because I just kind of blow it off.

You know he couldn't find anything.

I couldn't find anything and I really wasn't interested.

I didn't think anything of it.

I did know that one of my aunts had given up a baby for adoption many, many years ago.

No, it was a family.

Secret.

So, I wondered if that was him, but it wasn't.

So a few months go by, and he contacts me again because he's been doing his ancestry on his family for 10 years now and he's traveled to go see things.

And, you know, he's a big genealogy nerd and so I ended up getting another DNA match.

And it said, it could be by first cousin or odds, but the person was 84 years old.

And I'm like, it cannot be my cousin and if it's my aunt, let's we got to figure this out.

Well, Andy was the one who had contacted me originally.

He says, well that's my aunt and he mentions her brother, his name is John and his wife and their last name and I'm like, what?

I'm like those are family friends of ours very, very closely.

My friends growing up and I just kind of put two and two together and he said I don't know if you're ready to hear this but yeah, John is your father.

Wow.

And this was a family that I remember being around a lot up until I was about the age of five and then lost all contact with but was always talked about this family in our family and of course, There's a lot of different Dynamics in my family.

My birth certificate.

Father, he died when I was eight but had left our house when I was about five years old, my mother had started up another affair with somebody down the street named George.

And I believe, that's how she met John, my biological father was through George because they were together in Boy Scouts okay.

I don't know if you're following this.

So, You were born on this affair that your mother had.

And then when you were five, the family friends were no longer close with your family and your birth certificate, father were separated and then

also at that time your mom began another

affair.

Yes.

Okay with Amanda down the street so my mom passes away. 2018 of course, I found all of this out after she passed away.

But she never stopped asking me all those times.

Have you found anybody?

What's new with your family tree?

Never occurred to me, so you had no clue growing up or anything you had.

No suspicions ha ha.

So I've got two older sisters.

Okay, the joke was growing up.

We all had different fathers because none of us look alike.

My two older sisters have more similarities than me.

I we joked it all the time.

We never said, you know, who we thought her father's might be, you know, but they when it came out it's like I never knew this would be real, it was a joke.

It was never meant to be serious and when it ended up being serious and now, I'm not full siblings with these sisters.

Soul God, what a heartbreak that is Of course, I still am to them.

They don't know any different.

And this is another thing.

My mother always, this was a story I heard forever.

So I've got this dimple in my chin and she used to tell me as soon as you were born Diana, I knew you were your father's because you had that dimple in your gym.

My dad has a dimple that my two other sisters don't So I did and I also don't know if my biological father has one, but she repeated that story forever and I think it helped her believe to write.

Because denial, is she knew that was a pop?

Yeah, she knew there was a possibility and this is what proved to her that I was and looking back.

I am so grateful that this And after she passed that, I found the truth after she passed, because I wouldn't want to have to deal with her denial and blaming and victim.

But, you know, because she would have taken that and run.

Yeah, with it.

Yeah.

What was your initial reaction once you kind of settled into this is real check.

Probably about three days for, even me for me to come out of the shower.

Shock and numbness.

I don't even think it's real still, you know, it's weird.

Yeah, because when I found out because when my dad passed, I was 8 years old, when my birth certificate that I was eight years old, finding this out at 53.

It was like losing my dad all over again.

Oh my God.

But like I had them.

I lost them.

But he was still here in my heart, and now I've lost them again.

He's not my father anymore.

So that was a really hard thing to deal with.

And then thinking about all the rejection, I'm going to probably have to face going forward.

And the good thing is I haven't had any rejection because I haven't had any response.

How long did it?

Take you to reach out to your newfound.

Family took me five weeks.

And I went out and I bought one of those cards from the year.

You were born, it goes through all the, you know what I'm talking about 1968?

I was born and I wrote a nice letter in it to John explaining, you know, he knows who I am because he and my mother had.

He actually visited my mom, probably four years before she died.

I meant they were still friends.

Okay.

So he do.

You believe he knew that he's relieved, you know?

Yeah, I believe they both knew.

And now, the other thing is, my mom was best friends with his wife in high school and stuff.

They were high school girlfriends.

And my goodness all girl.

High school Catholic, High School and my mom.

Graduated pregnant.

So, he's a trip.

Yes, he's just like the trip.

So I wrote the letter and then I gave all of my Information as far as how he can correspond with me.

My phone number my address, my email address, and I said, I welcome any correspondence and I sent it off just after the Fourth of July.

And so I haven't heard yet but since then I found it all my brothers, my half-brothers, they're all older than me and I remember playing with them I'm having a lot of fun than a pool in their yard and I've reached out to them and I've had no response from them either and I did reach out to my cousins and my aunts that are okay.

John sister Gayle is who I finally figured out on the DNA she was the match that led me to John so Gail I am in talk on Lois, I talked with her, I email with her.

I'm on a page with all the cousins now, but it's a side of the family that doesn't talk with their completely disconnected.

If they haven't, they owned a big family company and they separated because of bad family business.

Mmm, so neither one of them.

One side knows about me.

The other doesn't, okay, and what is your relationship?

Up, like, with the family that you are in contact with so far so good.

I'm Andy, who was the original contact?

We keep in touch quite a bit.

He always wants to know, have you heard anything?

You know, he was the one that, you know, uncovered all this for me.

So he, he feels he has a big part in this and as concerned for my well-being at times, you know.

Yeah, he's an only child.

So family is very important to him.

So he's gathered everybody in this one, Facebook group, who wants to be in it?

It is funny though.

I've had some bad responses in that Facebook group saying, just because your blood is not, doesn't mean your family.

Wow, that's cruel. so, Yeah, that set me back a little bit.

I'm a little quiet in that room now so understandably.

Yeah, I I heard that.

Yeah, that's I thought that yeah, that's not well and he came back to me and said FM, so that's good.

That's good thing is, they're the minority.

But so yeah, was Gail able to give you any more information about her brother and she is giving me some health information that I needed to.

No, she hasn't spoke with her brother and over 20 years since the business failing and before that they never split there were always estranged because of the difference in Lifestyles.

She's a very funny woman.

She's well-traveled.

She's really experienced and everything.

Welcomes everything, her brother's lifestyle.

She just couldn't deal with.

He was quite a partier and that's another thing.

I believe it was a swingers thing that is where I evolved from.

So yeah, I don't know if my father, my birth certificate father was involved in at all, or not.

I don't know, but my older sisters.

Remember.

Certain things?

Twister parties.

Yeah, I was going to say, what what made you reach that conclusion?

So memorable Sisters.

Yeah, hmm.

And they're my one, my older sisters at years older than me.

My middle sister.

Just five years older than me.

So they have a lot more memories than I do.

You know, they were 13 and 10 when we stopped hanging around with that families.

So, they remember a lot of things and do, they remember what caused them to drift apart without ever discussed?

The only thing they recall was that you are never to talk to the boys in school.

That's what they remember hearing from my mother, And there's so much older than me.

The boys are so I never had a problem.

Wow, didn't have to warn me and do you have a lot of memories of your, your biological father before that?

Split?

I know you were only five very little I just know.

He was a big man.

That's that's it.

I just remember him being a big man.

So how has it been for you to not hear back from them?

Like how are you moving forward and processing?

This discovery without contact with that?

Out of your family.

Well at first I was checking my email every day.

Checking my spam every day.

Checking every just you know I had sent out Facebook messages, checking them every day, seeing if they had seen my messages and that went on for about a month and and I just kind of like, you know, it fades away.

I just I get tired of wanting, I don't want anymore.

Yeah, I wouldn't mind it but I don't want it.

I don't need it.

It was always a want.

It was never really a need because I'm fine.

I was always fine without it.

So how did you get to that place of just saying I'm fine without it.

What helped you and time.

I don't I can't pinpoint a certain thing just time and you kind of start forgetting about it, my Life Starts going back to normal because I don't have either parent right now.

So do I really?

I've got my mother-in-law and I love her to Pieces.

So That's good, that's good.

I think it's important, you know, we find those, we find those roles where maybe we don't have them, you know?

And yes, important design.

My mother-in-law was definitely one of them.

It's really good.

What did your family think about this?

Your husband, your sisters.

So my husband travels and he was out of town at the time and he was very worried about me, but it was a good thing because I needed to be alone, there was nothing anybody could do for me, and right now, he just Just he's there to listen to me.

He doesn't doesn't bring it up if I need to talk about.

He's there, but there's nothing, he can know advice, he can give to me because he doesn't know what I'm experiencing my sister's.

You know it's typical you're still my sister you know it's just a sperm Downer and I'm like a those are the only ones.

The only people really because I have a very small.

My now my older son I The 33 year old son.

He was a little shocked.

Nothing really fazes him, but when I finally sent him pictures because I do have pictures of my biological father, he says, oh my God, I'm glad he's got a full head of hair because my first to be good.

Father, was bald?

Yeah, so he was grateful for that.

So, my younger son, who is named after my birth certificate father there, Took it kind of hard, but he's my is my empath.

He's he's so sensitive and he feels things, but I think because it was the person he was named after, and all of a sudden thinking, oh my God, my name's could be something totally different and yeah, he had a, he did have some emotions with it.

Hmm.

And that's about all my feeling my mother-in-law.

She she questions me a lot.

I still have a stepfather, my mother's third husband, who is my Navy, recruiter, The way gets deeper any families are so complicated.

Yes, yeah.

He's still alive.

And he actually has met and party with my biological father and so when I told him now, his name is Hugh my stepfather.

Who I'm like you I've got something to tell you, he's like I said, John is my father and he's like, there's got to be some mistake.

So of course, this is my mom is now passed away and now I feel so bad for throwing this at him because now he's starting to question my mom.

And if she was, she did cheat on him.

And I told him that's that's, you know, please don't think that it was.

This is a different time in her life.

She was faithful to you.

Don't worry about it but I love God and I felt terrible for doing that.

But and he still asks every time he doesn't live far from him.

So he's still asks Have you heard, you know, have you heard from John?

Yeah, I'm like, no, no, it hasn't been anything to John.

No, he has asked me.

Would you like me to call him and find out?

Because he's 83, I want to know if he's still cognitive because if he's not what's the sense?

I don't want to do that to a family.

I said I you know I told him no I don't want you to I don't want you don't need to get In the middle of this, this is, you know, my story but he did offer so I thought that was kind of him to do but now that's just putting another person in this and it doesn't need to be.

Is is your biological father?

Still married to his wife?

She passed in 2016 I believe 2012.

Okay or 60, I don't know.

Okay but before my mom passed yeah okay so there's not that factor to consider Consider in terms of yeah, relationship, you touched on it a little bit earlier, but what are your feelings toward your mom?

Now now, I know she's not here for you to confront her with the truth.

So how do you kind of reconcile that without being able to talk to her?

Boy?

I don't think even if she was hero, be able to reconcile with her.

That's a hard question.

Yeah, I honestly don't have been answered.

Because I was just so glad that she was gone when this all came out.

So I didn't have to speak to her about it because it would have been nasty.

So you had a lot of anger toward her about it, not anger, a lot of wise *** curiosity.

No, I don't think I had any feelings, you know, my mom.

She was abused by my first certificate.

I saw my birth certificate father beat her on occasion.

Shouldn't I know she was afraid of him, so I know there is that possibility but when, when my verse to get father died, when I was 8, there could have been this chance that I could have had a man in my life, you know, father figure.

And I don't know if it at that time, she just believed so much that John wasn't my real dad but in from there I resent her for not trying to help me more.

I resent her for Or it's always been about her, she always put herself.

First, it was her reputation, was more important than anything.

And I think that that feeling of sort of it's not really regret because we didn't do anything to have a regret about.

But that, that feeling of, I missed out on having this person in my life is something that we all share, you know, but why?

Yeah, you told me earlier I could have established a relationship earlier perhaps and her hat, right?

All right.

Do you experience a lot of those?

What ifs, you know, as you try to process all of this, I did.

But look at life, I have with my husband and my children, so, I its fate, I believe in fate, but just for, you know, for a little bit of background my mother.

So my father died.

When I was eight, she remarried when I was 13, he passed away when I was 14.

I mean, she went on to sleep with several men that she didn't even know their last names.

I would wake up in the middle of night hearing her with them several boyfriends, some would just, they were horrible.

Then she ended up being engaged to a paraplegic named Paul.

She had her car completely done up so he could drive it.

Although I was 16 and just got my driver's license.

She wouldn't let me drive it.

So I couldn't stand this man that's when I ran away.

I just I took off from my house, was gone for a couple weeks.

I ended up at my sister's house and me, and my sister went to the Navy, recruiter, there's office beside me up.

I was 17 years old, I wasn't old enough to go in.

So my mother had to come in and sign me in and she was willing.

Yeah, she'll sign me away to the Navy.

Well, she ended up even though she was engaged.

She ended up having an affair with my neighbor recruiter and she ended up marrying him.

And that's who my stepfather is, okay?

If you stayed married to him for the remained until she passed away, okay.

Yes and how how is your relationship with your stepfather?

Did you serve as kind of a father figure to you?

Yes, he did serve as a father figure, although I jumped right into my husband's arms, at the tender age of 19, and we're still married Hugh.

My stepfather was there for me and told that and Now that my mother is passed, we have even a better relationship because she is not in the way.

Well, that's good.

Okay guys, great that you have.

Yeah, that's the most interesting thing.

You've learned through your connection to your extended family.

We all have amazing sense of humors.

It's great.

We all all of.

All of this newfound family people.

We've got, we all have the same outlook on life.

We all have the same even Ticks it's it's really strange how we all kind of meld together so much in common and do you feel like those are things that you are different from your sisters with like your sense of humor?

Oh yes.

Oh yeah.

Fascinating?

How you find all these things that just make sense?

All of a sudden like a sense of humor or Hobbies, all of these things that kind of made you feel different and then you're like oh that's where that came from.

Yes, definitely my two sisters.

My Mom, they're big readers, they're very business orientated and I am out in left field.

I like liberal and artsy creative.

I'm way out there.

What do you hope for?

If you have any hopes either, just for yourself in terms of this journey like where you want to end up feeling, or what do you hope to happen with any of the relationships that you've kind of reached out with?

I would love to have an extended family.

I would love to have a relationship with my brothers.

We all seem to have a lot in common.

It was the most amazing thing to see their pictures and see.

I'm going to get emotional, okay, it's okay take the time you need.

When I saw my father's picture it was like looking in a mirror.

I mean I just couldn't believe it's like oh my God that's me.

It's like that's my family so I feel a connection to them that way I do hope.

You know, they I've seen that fuse that looked just like mine.

My boys, they could have cousins because I've got a very small family, I do hope that but yeah that's all.

I hope that for you too.

You know sometimes I think it takes some people time to come to terms with reality and I hope that that's the case for you and that they do realize, you know.

When I sent the letter off by I told myself he is going to need time to die.

Adjust this and to accept this and to come to terms with it just like I did.

And who knows what will happen.

So I'm giving as much time as he needs and if it's if the time expires them.

Well, so it does.

Are there any resources or things that have helped you along your path?

I know time was a big factor, but is there anything else that you tapped into for support actually?

It's just that Book page, the DNA surprises just reading over and over and over again.

And knowing I'm not alone, I'm not the only one out there and that this is so normal.

Thousands and thousands of us I reached out to a friend of mine has a son that she hasn't told the entire city knows who his real father is.

But she hasn't told him and he's in his 20s.

And I reached out and I said, this, this happened to me and I suggest that you pull him aside and you tell them the truth.

Now, Now before it was too late and I got called all sorts of names the devil and evil and you don't know my situation.

She says, and I like okay, I just I just wanted to help her a little bit.

Yeah, that's that's one of the questions that I ask everyone is, what advice would you give to someone that is a parent of an end PE or somebody that's holding a DNA surprise like adoption or and PE or anything like that?

What's the advice that you would give them?

Tell them as soon as you You'll they're able to handle the information and I'm not saying wait until they're 16.

I think eight years old is almost too old but they need to know.

It's it's a right and even if it's because the biological parent didn't want anything to do with them.

They need to know, let them know the truth.

The truth is always the best.

What advice would you give to someone who just discovered a N a surprise.

Don't let anybody tell you.

This is has not changed you in any way because it will it will change you.

How do you think it's changed?

You?

I'm more skeptical.

In that terrible.

We all have our fair share of trust issues, I know.

But I'm lucky because my family is so small.

I don't I don't have to use my skepticism so much.

Yeah, I look at everybody differently.

I listened to everybody's story differently.

Here's the other thing there is this, we are stereotyped.

Reaching out to our new families.

They think we want a piece of the family pie.

If there's money involved, I can say, for myself.

Of course, that is not true.

I am.

I'm so comfortable and happy in my life.

I don't need.

I don't need anything right now.

Maybe acknowledgement that.

I am part of the family.

That's all.

Yeah, I don't need monetary things, I don't, I don't know.

It's kind of weird, but That is one stereotype.

Going forward to let people know.

Don't let that I guess I'm talking to the people that have been contacted by new family members.

Don't think they're there for your money.

I am not at all for out for anybody's money.

I don't know who has money.

I don't, I just that's a really great point because just looking for connections.

Yeah, and that's all I've heard, you know, for the podcast.

And that's all I've seen in the group's is people just looking for connection with, with family.

They're not looking for anything else right now, I consider my journey almost over Only because I haven't heard anything.

So, if something does happen, I'll consider it an awesome surprise, and hopefully it's something good.

That happens, of course.

Well, Diana.

Thank you so much for sharing your story.

I wish you the best of luck on your journey.

I hope that you hear back and if not, I hope you're able to have peace with where everything is.

Thank you so much.

You've helped me tremendously just by letting me speak my piece and I wish to use.

So much luck.

Thanks again to Diana for sharing her story.

If you have a DNA surprise story that you'd like to share, please email, DNA surprises at gmail.com.

And if you haven't yet, please rate, review And subscribe to the podcast on Apple podcasts and Spotify.

Until next time.