Christa’s DNA Surprise

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Speaker 1

I'm still angry at her and it's very hard to be angry as somebody who's dead, but I still haven't, I wasn't able to work through my

Speaker 2

feelings.

Imagine spitting into a tube, sending off your DNA.

And unknowingly turning your life upside down for me and thousands of others.

This is our reality.

I'm your host Alexis ourselves in July of 2021.

I discovered that I am an NP e.

Someone who has experienced a non paternal event.

In other words my biological father isn't who I thought he was this podcast shares.

The journeys of people who were shocked by a DNA Discovery.

Mostly through Modern DNA testing.

We're telling the stories of NP, he's adoptees and donor conceived people and their families.

This is DNA surprises.

Welcome to season 5 of DNA surprises in the first episode of the Season Christa shares.

Her npe story.

Krista always knew that something wasn't quite right because she looked different from her family, when she got the results of her 23andMe test, she learned that her biological father wasn't too.

She expected.

And neither was her ethnicity Krista talks about how she's navigated building relationships with her Newfound, family, and connecting to her Moroccan Jewish Heritage.

She also discusses the challenges, she faces because her mother died.

Shortly after her Dean in a surprise.

Thank you for sharing your story

Krista.

So, my name is Christa.

I am 40 and I am from Aaron Ontario Canada growing up.

I looked at myself and I wondered why I looked so different than my family.

And it was something that I struggled with, for years and years.

I'm was raised Irish Catholic with everyone in my family, being blond, with either blue eyes, or green eyes, or red hair, and I have all of Skin and brown eyes and brown hair.

And I always just knew something wasn't right?

But my mom always denied it.

So this past Christmas, my husband and I decided that we were going to do the 23andMe as gift for each other.

And to be honest, I never really thought that it would reveal anything.

I'm not sure what I expected but I didn't expect this.

Yeah, and we got our results back in.

March I looked at mine and I saw a bunch of different ethnicities and I thought, okay well I'm sure like I can look at that another day and I didn't look at it for a week.

I happened to be at home one day and decided to go through it and there was like, 50 percent North African and I started to dig a bit deeper and A large portion of that was Moroccan Jewish and so, I decide.

Yeah.

So I decided to text my mom who I would had been estranged with for, about a year and asked her.

And she kind of just blew it off saying that these things weren't real and, you know, she's read reviews and it's not legitimate and I pushed her for a couple days and she called me and she said, she said that when her and my dad were married and very young.

They, you know, we're kind of party animals and they one night decided to kind of have a different sexual encounter with their neighbor and apparently that's when I was conceived.

So, More came of it though.

As the questions went on, I realized that she sort of had an affair with this person for a longer amount of time.

It kind of blew me away.

I think I spiraled into sort of identity crisis, because I had a hard time looking at myself in the mirror, because I almost knew now, why I look so different.

But after 40 years, I didn't know who I was.

When you say that growing up.

Always looked different, did you suspect that maybe you had a different dad?

Or did you just except for some reason?

I just looked different.

So, my parents divorced, when I was two and I saw my dad until I was about five and then my mom stopped letting me, see my dad and I didn't see him again until I was 16.

I told her when I was 16 that I wanted to find my dad.

I was missing that part of my life.

And she out of anger said, oh well, he's not even your dad and nothing came of it that day, I kind of just thought she said it out of anger.

And so from about the age of 16 till 3637, I asked her randomly like what that comment was.

And she always just said that I was sort of out of anger, and she didn't mean it and of course, my dad was my dad, but I did look different.

And it's funny because people would always ask me, oh, like, What's your ethnicity?

And I would say, oh, I'm Irish and people would laugh, and I kind of took it to heart, but I thought, oh well, you know, like my mom always said, well, there is like the black Irish where, you know, their descendants are Spanish.

So that's why you looked that way.

But now I know kind of why I looked this way.

And I think I huge part of it was that I struggled with the ethnicity being raised Catholic and finding out that my, you know, biological father was Was Jewish and being raised as Caucasian and I'm not.

So when you got your results and things clicked for you, in terms of your ethnicity, did you match with family members as

well?

Yes.

So I actually have a brother and a sister and funny enough.

I met them when I was 18.

So I started to put pieces together and my mom actually Remained friends with my biological father, my entire life and so she had brought me to his house when I was about 18 and I hung out for a few days with these unknown siblings of mine, for whatever reason, she wouldn't give me an answer when I asked her why she did that?

I'm assuming she brought me to him and said, this is your child and I stayed for a few days.

And at that time, we were all All.

So my sister's and one year younger and my brothers when you're older and, you know, we kind of did like the partying thing and hung out.

And so I've connected with them now.

So you were around them, you just didn't know that you were related to them and then you you matched with them on 23andMe.

So what happened was, when I asked my mom who was she had mentioned the, like, my biological father's last name, and It said, oh, he has two children, and here's their names.

And so I found I wasn't able to find my brother, but I found my sister on Facebook.

And it's funny because I messaged her and I guess it went into sort of like her junk mail.

So she never responded.

And then I found mutual friends.

Like somehow I think I went like so far into it and so one of them I had messaged her and she messaged me and she's Like oh I heard like you're trying to get in touch with me and I was like oh do you remember?

Like I came to your house and we met and she had remembered that I said, like I have something to talk to you about.

But would you prefer talk over the phone?

And she's like, no, no, you can just tell me now, you've piqued my interest and I said, well, your dad is also my dad and then I was kind of a shock for her but she welcomed me with open arms right away.

She did do the 23andMe.

Shortly after like a month or two later and we did much as half siblings.

Okay.

Do you remember your biological father?

Like growing

up?

I don't remember my mom.

Talking about Sam and his wife and the name, always stood out as her friends.

She always have these friends Sam and his wife.

And it was always, they were just always known as her friends.

He was a hit, he's a hairdresser, and he was her hairdresser.

And so we would go.

Go, when she got her hair done but other than that, like I don't remember him physically,

have you been able to connect with

him?

So I actually waited for my sister, she lives in b.c.

British, Columbia in Canada, and she came to visit me, and I waited for her to come and she went to his house and she told him that I had found this out.

And did he know?

Because she was actually quite upset because her parents were Married at the time that I was conceived.

So I wanted to give her the respect of her making that decision, having that conversation with him, instead of me just calling him and he denied it, he said, he remembered my mom, but that he had no indication that I was his child.

Neither of us believe that, that is actually the truth.

But yeah, so I met him in person a couple days later.

He's Much older.

Like my mom was 59 when she passed away a year a month ago and he's 75.

He also doesn't like speak English very well.

So I mean he speaks English English fine and it's comprehensible but there's definitely like a bit of a barrier there.

And I think the age difference, I really just don't have a lot of interest in getting to

know him.

Mmm, okay.

Has he made an effort or is it more on on your side that you're like, kind of, you're good with not necessarily building that Bond.

So he calls me all the time and I don't always take the call because I don't really know what to say.

Like he calls himself dad, like he'll leave me a message and be like, oh, it's Dad and he calls me babes and, you know, I really want to see you.

And I really wanted to build a relationship and get to know you.

But I think at the stage where I am in my life and the age that I meant, I am and the age that he is, I don't know that, it's worth getting to know him very much.

Like I would definitely go and visit him again and have a conversation.

But I also truly believe that he did know.

Hmm.

And so I hold a bit of resentment towards him for

that.

I

lived a very my stepdad was Very abusive.

And so I feel as if I wouldn't, maybe not have indoor that if he had just accepted me as a child when my mom was pregnant.

And so, I think I hold a bit of resentment there.

You mentioned that your mom passed away a month ago.

I'm very sorry to hear that.

Thank you.

What was your relationship like with her when she

passed?

So her and I, I think actually, since when I was 16 and she told me that my dad wasn't my dad and then kind of denied it.

I truly believe that she built a wall up, and I believe that she has a lot of resentment against me for my entire life.

Life.

I was treated very differently than my brother was and she was very seemed angry at me all the time and not tolerable.

And I felt that my entire life and it's almost like now, I understand that maybe I held this sort of Shame and secret for her and so it all makes sense.

So about two years ago, her and I got in a big argument because I asked her just to kind of apologize for the Things that she allowed me to endure as a child and she refused to accept it and said and I said, well like I don't want to have you in my life anymore and then she got sick last November and we had the odd conversation through email, you know, about my kids and stuff, but nothing much.

And then in March, when I found this out, she gave me a bit of information.

It was almost like she when she talked To me on the phone, she felt relieved and maybe like it was going to build our relationship again, but I was sort of more resentful of her and very angry at her for keeping this a secret when she had, like, 40 years to tell me.

So when she passed away, we weren't speaking.

Okay?

At all, I was able to go to the hospital about 48 hours before she passed away and had a conversation with her.

She was a bit loose.

But unfortunately, I do, I have some regret.

I still have a lot of anger that I hold towards.

There's a very hard situation.

I mean, it's so recent, but how are you working through that?

I'm working through it.

I started seeing a therapist because I do believe that my feelings towards her being angry or valid.

She funny enough, I have a brother and he told me, when one of the moments that she was loose, Did she actually confessed this secret?

Just DNA secret to him, but never actually admitted it fully to me, which I found very weird and strange, but it was almost as if she knew she was passing away, and she need to get it off her chest.

So that, you know, after she passed away, he wouldn't be hearing it from me, but I feel like I believe in God and I believe in a higher power.

And I believe that I found Note after 40 years in March because she was going to pass away.

Kind of gives me goosebumps a little bit.

But yeah, the time you have it and the fact that you were able to talk to her about it in some capacity and get some story before she passed is yet

powerful.

Yes, and that's, that's kind of what's getting me through.

It's as if a higher power kind of made things happen for me to find out because I don't think I would have ever, I would have gotten A sort of, you know, the DNA results but wouldn't have had any answers without a lot of digging.

And I've seen other people where they, you know, they do the Angels, the DNA angels and they try and find.

But I'm not sure.

I would have put that much effort into it.

So it's as if you know, wow, after 40 years, I'm finally getting these answers and then, you know, less than six months later, she passes away.

So and very suddenly to like she wasn't someone that we knew I was going to pass away like it's very strange, how it all

happened.

So you said that that she confessed the secret to your brother, did your siblings, know about it before

this?

So I was raised with one brother and him and I are quite close.

And when I found out in March, about a month later, I called him.

And I told him because he knew, you know, Sam and his wife as her friends.

And I said, he's my dad like this is why I just found out.

And so I was very angry at the time and I said to him, like I want nothing to do with her.

Like I don't want to talk to her.

I don't want to see her, I'm very angry and he understood that and he accepted that.

And he respected how I felt, but she never knew that.

I had already told him.

And what has his reaction been to all of

this.

So, so sadly things have turned a corner.

Because now that she's passed away, it's almost as if he's holding her in sort of this bubble where we can't talk negatively about her and he almost wants to just push away.

The fact that this is my light and sort of, this is what I found out, he doesn't want to talk about it, he doesn't ask about it.

If I try and bring it up a bit, he kind of diverts the conversation.

So it's almost like it doesn't exist.

East,

mmm,

which is hard because I'm holding it inside.

And the one person that I've been that has been a constant in my life.

I can't talk to about it.

Are you able to talk to your newfound?

Siblings about

it?

My brother, and I are my new brother and I aren't very close.

He like, we are, we talk but like, very randomly, my sister and I have talked almost every day.

I would think since we found out And we do talk about it a lot.

We talked about it a lot more in the beginning because both of us were trying to have to find some answers because her parents were together and trying to figure out how often we were around each other growing up.

And then we went through a period of both being quite upset that we missed out on having sisters and then now, yeah, like I can talk to her for sure about it.

You know, we have a very different perspective on everything.

Like we came from very different Lives her parents, like our biological dad and her mom were together.

They divorced.

I think 10 years ago, but they live like a wholesome, you know, family life where they all live together.

And my mom got divorced from my birth certificate, Dad, when I was 2, then got remarried and it was sort of very toxic, very abusive.

And then I was sort of on my own from the age of 18 and I was never really close with my mom or my dad.

When I found my birth certificate Dad so we live very different lives.

So we have very different perspectives on things.

I think she would like that.

I had a better or more involved relationship with our dad but I'm not ready for that.

Yeah, you mentioned that you weren't very close to your birth certificate data after you found him.

Does he know now that he's not your biological father.

I mean we try and be close so like we, you know, he's very caring, he's very involved, but but when he wasn't in my life until I was 16, so I kind of grew up without him so I hesitantly.

I talked to him about it and I brought it up and he says that, you know, he does think that my mom may have had an affair with my biological father and he seems a bit disappointed because he doesn't have any other biological children, but like he said, oh we don't ever have to tell anybody this.

So again, another person The kind of wants to push it under the rug, and not talk about it, not make it expose.

So I still feel like I'm living.

This kind of secret.

Are

you keeping it a secret?

Or are you open about

So I've been open to like my closest friends.

There are a lot of people that still don't know, but I've been trying, like I actually opened an Instagram page with a like my a different name and I I added some people that I felt comfortable talking to and on there, I'm very open about what has happened.

I'm actually going to start to write a book for a lot of reasons not.

This is just sort of the tip of the iceberg but there was a lot of abuse in my life as a child as an adult, as a teenager and I've always wanted to write a book to maybe help people.

And so this is kind Of added to that.

So I'm hoping that that's going to be my outlet.

I don't think I'm going to use my real name.

I may use like my birth certificate name, but I think that's going to help me get things out because I do feel as if nobody wants me to talk about it and that's hard.

It's

hard.

You had a major shift in ethnic identity as a result of your DNA surprise.

I have had You have begun to process that and figure out what it means to you, to have this Moroccan and Jewish ancestry.

I'll be honest for, I would say about a month, I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror because for so long I had wondered like why my skin was darker.

Why my hair was darker?

Why is my hair?

This kind of like coarse curly hair and why am I so hairy just these things.

That I didn't seem like anybody else in my family.

And so now knowing this huge shift in ethnicity, it's hard.

It's hard for me like I accepted and I'm so proud and I finally feel like I know why I look the way that I look, but I've missed out on so much.

I've missed out on, you know, some traditions that they have and I missed out on The opportunity to possibly be Jewish.

If I had wanted to, I've missed out on a lot of like the Moroccan cultures.

The food's my sister was raised very differently than I was raised in person.

In respect to how the girls are raised in the culture and I had just wished that.

Like, even I look at my kids and I have, I have three boys and two of them are one of them especially is very dark.

And we never really Stood kind of why he looked that way and and now I know.

And so, you know, I even have to talk to my kids and say, okay?

So this is how you were raised and this is what we thought your background and your ethnicity.

It was, but this is actually what it is.

So, it's hard.

It's hard because, you know, there's been some I've done, like, surveys and stuff or medical forms where I've had to fill out ethnicity.

And before like I was Caucasian and that's It's what I was and now I'm lost.

I'm sort of like, how do you just become like a different ethnicity overnight?

And sort of like a mixed-race like it's hard I'm still struggling with

Do you feel comfortable like identifying as anything at this point?

Or how do you identify?

You know, the only way in my head that I I almost like when I try and I've tried to make some like Moroccan meals.

I've tried to like embrace the culture, but I almost feel like a fraud.

Like, I feel like I'm jumping on the bandwagon.

Like, I, it doesn't feel legitimate to me.

It's such a diverse culture to like there's so much behind it.

So many traditions and like I'm not Jewish, I'll never be Jewish.

But you know like my my new friends siblings are Jewish and so Yesterday, my brother message me, like, happy Rosh Hashanah and I'm like, I don't even know what that is, like, I know what it is, and I know that it's the Jewish New Year, but I don't know what that is, like.

I don't know any of that stuff and I want to, but I feel like, I'm rushing kind of to, like, except sort of the different Traditions.

But it's funny because I was telling them, like, I've always been drawn like, my, when I got married.

I always wanted to have like a belly dancer at my, at my wedding and I couldn't understand why, but I'm not like, they're so beautiful.

Like, I've always been mesmerised at them.

So I had a belly dancer at my wedding and I have like, probably like 40 cookbooks, and all of them are like your typical like westernize cookbooks.

And I have one Moroccan cookbook.

I don't know why this had that.

And so, it's funny because I've actually started talking to a One of mine as well.

And so, he believes that like, I possibly have, you know, sort of that or aware I've always been drawn to it.

And it was just a matter of time that I would find out that this was my

culture.

That's so interesting.

I mean, yeah.

Having a dancer, your wedding is so random but yeah, once you're out, you know, that, that is your

And I, and I, it's funny because I love to cook and I cook all the time and I'm always trying to An ethnic foods and I had it to do list in March.

Like I have a to-do list on my iPhone that's been running for years and in March, there was one thing that had been on there for a while and it was to buy at a gene and to learn how to cook Moroccan food.

Wow, and I don't know why it had been on there for about a year.

I just hadn't gone to the point of like doing it but it but yeah it's like all these little things that kind of make you realize that there's not Ought to be like a religious.

I'm not overly religious, but I do believe that there's something that tells us where we need to be, and what we need to find out,

how have your kids been processing

I feel like they don't quite grasp it.

Like, they're old enough to, but, but I think they're in shock, too.

I think like, they can't believe.

I haven't really gotten into how it happened.

So I think They are like well, how come grandpa is not your dad and but I've said like from a cultural standpoint.

I thought that was very important for them to

know

so I told them a like about, you know, their ethnicity and stuff and they met my biological sister when she came to visit.

She actually came and stayed with us for about a week and so they met her, they don't really talk about it.

I Think, actually, think that I may have traumatized them when I found out the day that I found out, I was a complete mess.

And so my husband came home and I was crying and I was on the ground and I really and I'm sure a lot of people feel this way, but I couldn't function, and I felt completely broken and I think that lasted for about a week and I think they see, as much as we tried to keep them away.

My husband tried to keep them away.

I think they say, That and I think they just don't want to bring it up.

Mmm.

Yeah, that makes

sense.

Yeah, I don't think they liked seeing mom that way and then kind of putting two and two together as to why it was.

I think again, maybe they're the same and and they just don't want to bring it up and people just don't want to talk about it which is so hard as an MP when people just don't want to talk about it, right?

Yeah, because I feel like you're still stuck in that feeling ashamed.

Even though you don't have a reason to be,

what do you hope for?

As you move forward in your journey?

I hope that I can come to peace with the feeling of missing out on so much.

And I see so many stories where people are like 1670 when they find out, but I do Have a lot of sadness connected to the fact that I may have had a better life.

I missed it on siblings.

I had always wanted a sister just having that sort of family life, but they had that I missed out on.

I just want to come to peace with that and and let go of like the wishing and the wanting and the

regret.

Yeah, I hope I hope that for You too.

It's hard ink.

Yeah,

it's hard.

And it and I don't think I don't think there's a timeline.

No, I think everyone's journey is different.

The one thing that I have tried to tell people is if something doesn't feel right, I truly feel that you need to listen to your gut and and to not be ashamed.

I know.

It's so easy to feel ashamed because I do I there's days when I'm so Eros by my story, but it's not my fault.

And I wish that other people as much as I may not think it every day.

I just wish that other people would really feel not ashamed and accept and be kind to themselves because it's hard.

There's days when when you're not kind to yourself and you feel so low and ashamed and kind of like oh like the next Netflix story like that.

It does, it doesn't feel real, it still doesn't feel real, like I still some days.

Look at myself in the mirror and think, how did you go 40 years without knowing this?

Like, and I yearn for a normal family life, my entire life.

And the fact that I could have had that I'm not kind to myself all the time and I just wish and I've met some great people through some of the MP groups and I think a lot of us are just really sad and Regretful.

And a lot of people I find that the parent that like the mom usually just kind of doesn't want to talk about it and it's very hard to be to made to feel like you're the reason that they're that way.

And so just for people to not feel the blame and to be kind to themselves really that's, that's

it.

What advice would you offer?

Were a parent who might be?

Keeping a DNA surprise from their

child.

Please don't you.

You may think that you are doing the right thing.

You may be doing it because you don't want other people to know a mistake that you did.

But like, I never held that against my mom, any mistakes that she made.

But everybody has a right to know where they came from, who their parents are Our, and they have the choice to know their culture, their background, their ethnicity, and their other family members.

If there's anything you can do, maybe, you know, you think that they're too young and that's fair, but there's got to be a time.

When you tell yourself by this age, I'm going to let them know, because they deserve to know.

And the one thing that I am, so thankful for is that I found out before my mom passed away.

Definitely.

Yeah, and you kind of touched on this earlier, but what advice would you offer someone who just found out that they're in npe

one day at a time?

One day at a time, be kind to yourself and let yourself feel the emotions and feel the hurt the anger.

The pain.

It's almost like grieving like the seven stages of grief.

They all I feel like all those stages.

Fit there.

When?

Because you're grieving the life that you thought that you had that the person that you thought that you were and advice to people who are supporting and PE stop telling them that they're still the same

person.

That's a great Point.

There were not, we are still the same physical being but this is a life-changing moment and I feel A lot of people say, oh, you're still the same person, but it's almost down playing, it's almost to me equivalent to saying, calm down to somebody, who's angry?

Yeah, yeah.

That's a great analogy.

Well, Krista, thank you so much for coming on the podcast and sharing your story.

It was so nice to get to chat with you and hear your journey, which is still relatively new.

I hope that you do find the peace that you're looking for.

Or and that you continue to explore, your new ethnic Newfound, ethnic identity, and just wish you lots of positivity and peace moving

forward, and thank you.

Thank you for having an outlet for people like us, who may feel, like we're alone and in this world and it is hard as it is to talk about it.

Sometimes it's also very therapeutic.

So, thank you.

Thanks again to Krista for sharing her story, if you have a DSLR Ina surprise story that you'd like to share, please email, DNA surprises at gmail.com until next time